Posted in Blogging with A Purpose, Uncategorized

Badass Day 2 – Chapter 1

I watched all the videos in the group, after listening to the Chapter, so it gave me a lot of “beliefs I hold to be true”–most of these come from childhood. It sucks, but they do.

Chapter one starts off explaining that we have a conscious mind and a subconscious mind; we’re born with a subconscious mind, and our conscious mind isn’t developed until we hit puberty. The conscious mind is always functioning as long as we’re up for it stops while we are asleep; it also is where we process all of our information. Sincero described the subconscious as the blue print of our lives and are instincts learned from and taught to our parents as well. The subconscious is basically made up of beliefs developed as children, and is really the driving force behind our emotions and decisions. We may feel that our conscious is making logic and reasoning of things, but our subconscious is really calling the shots.

Source

So, below are my conscious mind, subconscious mind, and reality with certain areas. If you know me or you are my family, I am sure one of these will piss you off and I am sorry, but it’s how my childhood shaped me and I am learning from it, so I can push through all this and be the me I want to be and need to be for my family. So, here it goes.

CM-Conscious Mind
SM-Subconscious Mind
R-Reality

CM-I want to be healthy, fit, look good, be sexy, etc.
SM-I was never the “right” size for anyone in my first 20 years of life–now I’ve got saggy boobs and a belly, so why should it work now.
R-Unhappy with body, putting off exercising, and fighting with eating disorder habits every day–sometimes not even intentionally.

I want to be comfortable as me. I’ve always wanted to wear a bikini, my sisters did growing up and they rocked it, but I haven’t had the chance. I went from being “too skinny” (size 0) at age 9-10 to being “fat” (size 15) age 14-15. I watched my sisters lose their virginity and when I ended up 3-4 years older than them and still a virgin–I felt like I was disgusting and too fat for anyone to love. So, I slept around… Working towards a healthy sex life with my husband (TMI-sorry). 🙂 I want to be comfortable with myself–which goes along with another one further down.

CM-I want to make enough money to help take care of my family
SM-You will never make enough–you can’t make what everyone else is and you never will
R-Working at jobs that pay crap wages and feeling like that’s all I am good for.

Growing up, it was you had to have a job, worked since I was 12-13 (babysitting first). Then it worked towards, your personal worth is based on the size of your paycheck. I am still struggling with this one, but my husband has been so amazing about just helping me find a job that makes me happy. I want to find a job I love, making what I need to to support my family–“making what I am worth”.

I am making progress on this one, as I told my day job that I was done this Friday (gave them my 2 week notice last month) or they could give me the pay raise I should’ve gotten when  I hit my 90 days. They’re still trying to find my replacement and having no luck. I am happy to report, I got a $1.00 raise until I am done there.

CM-I want to feel like I make a difference, have friends and family around like those TV shows show
SM-You’re not good enough and you never will be–if your family makes you feel like you’re not good enough, why would you find people you like you and want to hang out and do the TV style BBQ’s, football parties, etc.
R-Feeling like a burden to people when I want to hang out and just have a small social life, drinks and a silly game at my house with the boys playing in their room–I love it, but feel like a burden when I want to hang out.

Even to this day, I don’t feel that I matter. I moved states several times and had many people who seemed to disappear, stupid Facebook makes it seem like you’re all alone. My family has always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough or didn’t matter. From school, getting A’s and B’s vs a sister who got C’s D’s and she got praise for her grades, but I was always told I could do better. Nothing was ever good enough. So, college scares me–I am scared to fail that I won’t be good enough, that I’ll make the wrong choice–I start classes this next Monday. I want to do school for me–find something that I can use to help people.

Debt ties into my family–we have a lot of it. I married into debt and when getting pregnant young, I was never though anything about money, being responsible with it, or how to live frugally. I watched my mom, but when my parents split, I wasn’t taught how to cook or make things from scratch. We got in a wreck 1 week after our wedding, had to buy a new car and it just went downhill from that. Because we have 3 kids and a lot of debt–we don’t get invited to stuff. My family plans trips to New York and other places and 90% of the time, I got even get a phone call, it’s a little “Are we still going to…, (insert name)?” Lots of raw spots from my family right now. Working through it. I want to not care what they think about me so much and know my worth.

At my current jobs, I feel like my inexperience and the fact that I am a girl has me looking like I am weak and incapable. I want to get stronger–not vein popping out of arms strong, but be and look tough. I want to show the world that the Fight Like A Girl is a thing.

My heart bleeds for people easily and I am often told it’s a weakness. I want to find where it can benefit other people–and prove to people that it’s a good thing.

Here’s the big one… I want to be a better mom. A good part of the time, I hate how I am as a mom. I yell and get frustrated. My husband and kids game on computers and it was a raw spot for the first 2 years of my marriage, so some days I tell my kids that the computers are stupid or I’ll throw them away when they sassy me or don’t listen.

I am horrible about taking them out to go do stuff–which I’ve been working on, but it’s not always easy.

I don’t ever remember my mom yelling, she always had us eat everything (which makes me don’t want to force my kids to)… She was so close to the perfect mom that I feel like I’ll never measure up, so why bother.

I hate me as a mom–but, I am working on it. I want my kids to know that they are loved and people be able to enjoy their company–and them not be a-holes to other people.

Way longer than I meant to make it–but, here’s my open and honest answers.

If you have questions, comments, concerns, leave them below.🙂 I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

If you haven’t read the book yet, I highly recommend getting it. Whether it’s through Amazon Audible (we’re doing the No Spend Challenge, so I am using the FREE trial and spending $0 on it) or at my friend’s Amazon Store or Target.

Posted in Blogging with A Purpose, Books to Read

Badass Intro

I’ve joined a Facebook “Book Club” for You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and they have some fantastic questions to help push you to grow and learn from it. So, I am going to be open and honest here as well.

There are some things I am not ready to share in the group, because I don’t want to to sound like I am bashing or blaming my family for my fucked-up-ness, but more recognizing how it’s effected me.

Question 1–Do you feel you were created for something more?

I have always felt like I was meant for more and to now have a group of people who feel this way (Facebook), it’s been a huge weight off my chest. Growing up, no one understood what I meant. I think I’ve met one person who could relate or tried hard to understand what I met.

Question 2–What areas of life do you know you could be better?

So, the wording is a little off, but to be honest, it’s hard for me to narrow it down because I feel like I could do better in everything. Be a better wife, mom, friend…

But, at the moment that this question was asked, I had finished throwing myself a pity party because I felt like I was failing at everything.

Right now, I am focusing on making my actions shine instead of my words. Rather than saying I want to make something of myself, I am working to actually make something of myself. Rather than saying I want to be a better mom, I am changing my ways and working to be one.

Question 3–What do you have an inner passion for that gives you goosebumps?

Goosebumps… I am not sure that I’ve ever gotten goosebumps from anything I do. I get goosebumps from people singing and stuff, but not from something I do.

I love helping people, talking to people, being artsy… I used to use blogging (and I am attempting to make my way back–just a little) as a way to find peace and relax. I wanted to be one of those people that people loved read about their lives or watching videos, etc. 🙂

But, yeah… that never really stuck.

We went on a trip last month and I came back feel like I needed to change something, that I needed to be “more” (again). So, I decided I’d go to school. I found a degree (something I hope will end up being my passion) and I start classes on Monday. So, I am trying to find my “badass”.

Question 4–What made you want to join this group?

When my friend posted”do you ever feel like you were meant to be more?” Weird thing to say but, I felt like this huge weight had been lifted because I’ve felt like this my whole life and only one person I’ve meant in 25 years understood a little bit of what I meant.

I am hoping to grow and find a little clue as to the “more” I am supposed to be as we read (or listen) to the book and walk away feeling more confident in the craziness I’ve thrown myself into these last few months.

 

If you haven’t read the book yet, I highly recommend getting it. Whether it’s through Amazon Audible (we’re doing the No Spend Challenge, so I am using the FREE trial and spending $0 on it) or at my friend’s Amazon Store or Target.

We’re on Day 4 now and I am playing catch here, so I can tell you, it gets deep really quick and it hits nerves and things you don’t want to admit–I found out a lot of stuff about me in these first few chapters, but come join the fun or start your own group.🙂

Posted in Blogging with A Purpose, Family, Lesson Learned, Life, Lifestyle, Medical

Confession Time

Depression is something that I’ve struggle with since I was a kid and with PCOS, it makes it more likely that I will be depressed.card_01

It came back swinging this last week and I got about mid-way point from rock bottom and could feel the self-hatred inside my head. It’s hard fighting with yourself when you have three little high energy kiddos who just want love and attention.

Yesterday I had enough and splurged on almost a years worth of high dosage Vitamin D pills and some Vitamin B pills for extra energy.

This morning I feel better, but I know they haven’t kicked in yet. Yesterday night I found three random skin bumps and was determined that they had to be stress hives, because the only other time I get them is when I shave with a crappy razor or use a bad kind of soap–which I’ve done neither.

Tightness in my chest this morning let’s me know that there’s still some stress inside that has yet to be relieved. But, with some exercise, medication and throwing myself back into my Bible Study (and lots of time with the kiddos and Ryan), I know I’ll be okay.

imagesIt’s been a couple of rough months and it all kind of hit this last week. So much stuff and a lot of it, no one will now, because it’s not mine to share.

But, this is mine–and it’s reality of life. Depression sucks. It can hit anyone at any time. Whether it piles on slowly or all at once.

I can’t determine if it’s from the last couple of months or because my subconscious (cause my brain is still in May) knows that it’ll be my little sister’s birthday this next week–and that means another one without her.

Whatever it is, I am thankful that I have my little troop of men to help me fight through it.

We’ll defeat it with vitamin D, laughter, hugs, time together–and enjoying that school is almost out, which means less chaotic mornings and more cuddles with cartoons. 🙂

These next few weeks won’t be easy, waiting for the pills to kick in, but I know it’ll be worth it.

Depressed-Woman

Posted in Blogging with A Purpose, Decisions, Faith, Life, Lifestyle

Re: Facebook not Fakebook

This is a status that I put on Facebook on Sunday and I am choosing to share it with all of you here, because, well, you see a very real side of me too.

I won’t lie and say life is always good and I won’t only give you the glum stories.

If I have something to say, I’ll put it out there and you can take it or leave it, so here it is… Continue reading “Re: Facebook not Fakebook”

Posted in Food, Home, Life, Lifestyle, Work

Tuesday–Coffee Relapse

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I went for a healthier breakfast today–usually I eat a bunch of quesdillas, but since I started entering my food in an app yesterday, I went over on calories and I didn’t want the strawberries to go bad. I had a turkey stick, because I’ve been told to up my protein levels in the morning.

I haven’t had coffee in a very long time, but I tried it this morning. About 1:30pm, this is how it was going, I made it with probably half of the amount of cream I would

normally use–again the calorie thing… Continue reading “Tuesday–Coffee Relapse”

Posted in Decisions, Facebook, Lesson Learned, Life, Lifestyle, Mid-night Mishaps, Morning Mishaps, Opinion, Parenting, Past

I am the Mom They DIDN’T warn you about.

I wrote a really long post yesterday and ended up trashing it becausa6936164ac15aabd951acd5bc29a36e8-300x210e I couldn’t get the words right. And I am not sure I will this time either. But, I am gonna put this out there any way.

So, here it is… we all have those people on Facebook who tell us what a great parent we are, but do they truly know? They are hundreds, if not thousands of miles away and judge us by what appears on Facebook. Continue reading “I am the Mom They DIDN’T warn you about.”