Have you ever wondered what you were lacking in your life? Well, now I am… Have you ever had that empty feeling? Have you ever felt like you were totally missing something? Missing something that puts that little spark in your life. Well, I am missing that right now. And I want it back. I don’t know if it’s cause I am sick. I don’t know if it’s cause I haven’t been to church in a while. I don’t know if it’s cause I am just so stretched out that I almost felt like my mom and I were rubbing each other the wrong way again today. I honestly, I don’t know.

I don’t know if it’s cause my mind is getting played with. I am getting all these lies told to me. I am getting all this drama brought into life. I feel like I have a lot to do… And some days, I just have to wonder if Landon would have been better with another family. He’s an amazing kid. I just feel like with me working and everything that I am taking away from him… I am don’t know.

Like I said this life… It’s just lacking. It’s exhausting and I wanna give up. Not give up living, don’t freaking out on me and think suicide, just because I’ve wanted to before, I mean just that… Give up. Not die or anything. Just give up and quit… Hobo or whatever you wanna call it. I am just tired and I don’t know how much more I can take. I am crying or anything, so don’t worry and start freaking on. Which, for one–is weird, two–makes me wonder if I am going numb… Sigh. I don’t know now.

Suggestions? Ha. I think I’ll just order that book Nick suggested a while ago. Maybe it’ll help.

Well, not much else to say… Just feeling numb, so I am gonna go take some cold medicine for my cold. And go sleep cause…

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.


3 thoughts on “Lacking

  1. It’s okay to be weak. The great “Men and Women of Faith” in the Bible were not deemed that because they were strong, or that they had it ‘figured out.’ They are called that because in the middle of their storms, they engaged God. Not all of those engagements were happy ones. Some of them were very angry. Several of the Psalms David wrote were laments. Psalm 6, written by David, says:

    “My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

    Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
    save me because of your unfailing love.
    Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
    Who praises you from the grave?

    I am worn out from my groaning.

    All night long I flood my bed with weeping
    and drench my couch with tears.
    My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
    they fail because of all my foes.”

    David is completely honest with God. Brutally honest, if you will. Read Psalm 88, you find solace in it because those words will speak truth to you, for you are experiencing the same agony. In which the writer concludes, “You have taken from me all my loved ones. My closest friend is the darkness.”

    The opening of First Samuel is the story of a woman named Hannah. She is the first of her husbands two wives. She is practically enemies with her husband’s other wife, and his other wife is constantly mocking her because she is barren and cannot have children, but the other woman has many. She constantly makes fun of her, because she knows how much Hannah wants a child. She was in so much agony that she couldn’t even eat.

    So Hannah goes to the temple, and the passage says that she poured her heart out to God. It says she prayed ‘weeping bitterly.’

    “Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk,”

    She pours her heart out, not even able to utter comprehensible words. The preist thinks she is drunk, she is in so much agony.

    But after she leaves, the passage says something that is so astonishing to me. It says that ‘she got up and went away and ate something. Her face was no longer downcast.”

    She wasn’t sad anymore! How is that? She didn’t get an answer, the preist wished her the best but God didn’t answer her.

    But she left her agony at His feet. She trusted Him. She knew, that now she had left it as his feet, He would take care of it. She didn’t need to worry about it anymore. She just needed to go about her day the best she could, knowing God was going to worry about it for her.

    Its okay to be weak. Be brutally honest with God. It’s those that, even when they are weak, even when they are angry at God, still engage Him, that are of great faith. Even when your only prayer can be “God, I just don’t have the faith today.” or “God, I’m really angry with You.”

    God can handle what you’re feeling toward Him. He can handle whatever concerns you today.

    He knows your pain. He couldn’t care less that you haven’t been to church lately. He is ready for you when you’re ready to go to Him. You don’t have to get yourself together before you go to Him, you don’t have to have a good church track record or even a promise that you’ll start going again in order for Him to take of you.

    All He wants is you, Meged. He loves you for who you are, not what you’ve done or whatever you shall become. He doesn’t love you for how many times you go to church, or whatever you accomplish. He loves you because you exist.

    He loves you, because you’re His.

    The past several months I have been in one of the most difficult storms I’ve ever been in, and sometimes God will go days without saying anything to me, even when I’m close to Him. Most days, all He says is

    “Do you still believe I love you?”

    And that’s what real faith is. Believing that God still loves us, even when all else is falling apart.

    Cast your burdens on Him. He’ll take care of you. Trust Him for it.

    Keep your chin up. He has your back.

  2. Drama sucks. SUCKS. And I do the best I can to avoid it, and have to respect people who function within it. Because I tend to just run away from it.

    Landon loves you, and you love him. If I think about it too much I can always find someone who would be a better girlfriend than me, a better sister than me, a better daughter than me, a better worker than me. If I have the energy, I put it into doing things to be better. But you are a fabulous mom who is working so hard right now FOR HIM. You’re making your home for both of you, and that’s incredible. Not easy, overwhelming, frustrating…but ultimately makes you the best mom you can be. And that’s what counts.

    Book is a good idea. Hugs!

    1. Yeah it does. 🙂 I am trying to right now.

      Thanks! 🙂 I keep telling myself that that is why I work so hard. Which, it kinda is, because I want him to have a really good life. I almost thinking about working a night life, but I don’t know… I almost think that I need to. But, at the same time, I know I shouldn’t cause he needs the little attention I give him. Just kind of crazy. Ya know? 😀

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