Church

Church today was really good. I’ve been thinking about it lately, but today I think it has finally sunk in. I am getting to be more comfortable with myself.

If you get embarrassed or don’t like the thought of nudity, stop reading. 😀

When I first married Ryan, I was okay with myself. And I was too in love with him to be willing to give him up because I thought he deserved better. In the last month, I began questioning myself and if he didn’t deserve better. I know it was Satan in my head now. But at the time, I believed that it was reality finally sinking in, my lack of taking vitamins, considering that I had some self mutilation thoughts, I panicked. Started taking my pills and thinking hard about what was going on. I began listening to music that helped me realize that I am a “Beautiful Me”, even if I am not by society’s standards a beauty queen, I am beautiful!!

But, back to my first point, when Ryan and I got married, I could be intimate with him without the lights off, I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough. I felt like I was dirty and used. It is still a journey that I am struggling with. But, I have recently been able to sit in nothing, lol. Or even just in under garments. 🙂 God has blessed me and has began lifting my spirits and my self image and boosting it.

As Jamie said today, we are all made in God’s image. And it sunk in, that I was made in God’s image. Stretch marks, broken nails, split end hairs, etc. He planned it all.

It also made me realize that as I look at people and think because so and so might be heavier, they are fat. If they don’t look exactly a certain why, they are ugly. It’s stereotyping!! And just like people have been posting that certain message on Facebook this last month, I have been working on not seeing fat or ugly, but seeing the personality, and trying to find the story behind them.

A 15 year old girl holds her 1 year old son, people call her a slut. But no one knew she was raped at 13; make fun of someone for being fat, but you don’t know that person has a serious medical condition that causes her to be fat. Call the old guy ugly, but you don’t know if he got a serious face injury after serving the country or saving a life. Stop stereotyping and think before you start talking trash of others.

I know I went from being a size 0 to a size 15 in a period of about a summer. And I went from being too skinny for my own good to being fat… But, no one knew it was because of getting boobs and because I started struggling with eating disorders. When I dropped weight, people asked if I stopped eating. When I struggled with cutting, people wouldn’t let me have sharp objects and often be alone by myself… I get annoyed, but never realized until now that I was doing what was done unto me…

But, now… Now is the time to change Meged! NOW!

8 thoughts on “Church

  1. You are a beautiful lady, and growing more beautiful every day. You amaze me with your insights and maturity. I am so very proud of you!

  2. What mom said. 🙂

    I’m proud of you for working through this. It’s really hard to do, and I know where you’re coming from.

  3. There is a Pink song on the radio lately that reminds me of you every time I hear it, especially the line “You’re perfect to me.” XO

    1. 🙂 Thanks, T!! I really like that song. It’s called Perfect or Fucking Perfect depending on if you like swear words 😀

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