Dumb founded!!

While cleaning today I found my journal from my 9th grade English Honors class where I found an entry from 9/13/06 where I wrote an entry about missing Shava and now, now that it had almost been 5 years… I realize it never get easier, I’ve just learned that if I live my life holding on to the past, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my present and my future. I came to realize today that I can’t hang on to everything that I have gotten in my past either. Just because I hold onto something from my past doesn’t mean that it will either be a part of me or not. It doesn’t make it more real or more of a fantasy. I don’t have to hold onto everything to remember it. Just because it meant so much to me then doesn’t mean it always well. I don’t have to hang onto notes and everything to make why that person said true. It’s okay to let go. But, only when you are good and ready. No one can make you. And them trying to make you… It will only make it harder to. You have to make your own choices when it comes to your past and how you choose to move on.

It’s weird how you can get annoyed of someone all the time when they are here but, when they leave you miss them a lot and just want them to come home as soon as possible. Right now that is so me, because both of sisters were here a little while ago and now one is married and gone like the other three who left home, and so it was just me and my little sister but, right now, she is gone, off with friends, away in D.C. But, I will miss her every second that she is gone, I miss her. I really wish that she was here right now because I miss spending time with her. Now it’s only mom and me and mom works, so now I have to eat dinner by myself sometimes. Man, I can’t wait until you come home, Shava! 🙂

Shay,

I hope you know that just because I don’t keep everything of yours, just because I don’t consciously think of you every day, it doesn’t mean you aren’t in my thoughts! It doesn’t mean that you aren’t important to me. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you and wish you were here! I do! I miss you!! I lost my best friend and some days I struggle with–“what am I supposed to do without you now?”… I miss those days who would sit on my lap and hug me when I told you I messed up and did something terrible. You always told me all I had to do was confess my sins and what I had done, ask God for forgiveness and he
would always love me! No matter what!! I miss your hugs and your laugh! I miss your ability to make me feel better when I felt so down. I love you! I so wish I could see the young lady you would have become! I so wish I could have seen what you would have done with your life. I know you are up in heaven showing your artistic skills and amazing personality off. But, I wish I could see them here on earth. But, I can’t wait to see you. See how many people you have convinced to dye their hair blue. ;)) I love you girlie! I hope to know that! I always will! Just don’t think I don’t love you because I don’t think about you all the time. It just hurts too much to think about you all the time. I am not sure I could make it through life If I thought about you all the time. And please don’t be upset if I have to leave Kalispell some day. I don’t want you to think that I am leaving you behind, I am not. I’ll take you everywhere with me in my heart. But, do my family and my sake… I’ll have to leave. It hurts I remember you any more than I do now. I love you! Keep a spot open for me up there. :)) You’ll have to let me know what it’s like to have an older brother when I get up there. 🙂 love you!!

I really hope you know it was an accident. I would change if I could. But, I can’t. And I know I have to let it go. Or I’ll be kicking myself forever. Just wish I could hear you tell me you forgive me and you know I didn’t mean to. Guess it was all God’s plan any way. Guess what?! This way you never have to kiss a boy. 🙂 I remember how disgusted you used to get with the movies and television shows when people would kiss. 🙂 I love you! 🙂 Time to get ready to go celebrate my husband’s birthday. I can’t wait for you two to meet! 🙂 and for you to meet our little ones. You’re gonna be a great auntie!!!

I love you!

3 thoughts on “Dumb founded!!

  1. Oh, baby girl. She knows it was an accident. She knows that with every fiber of herself, as do all of us.

    And now I’m going to tell you something that’s always made me feel a little like a bad person, and don’t take it like I don’t miss her, because I loved her as her and will always love and miss her. But the hardest part for me about all of this? That was knowing that you lost your best friend, that you couldn’t do anything about that, and that no matter what I did or wanted to do, I could never fill that hole.

    If you ever need someone to hug you and love you unconditionally, no matter what you’ve done, you’ve got that here. Even if you don’t need it, you’ve got that here.

    And now I’m crying at work,, but that’s what I get for reading blogs at work, huh? 🙂 Big love, sister of mine.

    One thing I learned this year was that letting go doesn’t mean throwing it away, it means accepting it as what it is. And this love that we have for our no-longer-on-earth youngest sister is solid, it’s not going anywhere. She’s always a part of us, always someone we care about. You’re very wise.

  2. That was dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, DUMB of me to read this at work. Im all teary and weepy and my nose is running like a leaky faucet. Guess I should have been working instead 🙂

    I fisrt want to say, we all know it was an accident, especially Shava. None of us, for one millisecond even considered it was anythung but. Not one of us ever even thought of blaming your or considered thinking any negative thought towards you in relation to this accident.

    I fight every day with knowing that I need to move on, that its ok to move on, that its best for everyone I know if I move on. I will never forget her, I think about her every day, but I know its what needs to happen. Its not forgetting, its healing and allowing us to live the way she would have wanted us to live.

    She was full of uncondistional love. I miss her smile and laugh the most, especially her sheepish one when you caught her doing something goofy. She would have grown to be an amazing woman of God.

    We all love you. If you need anything, im here. I may not fit on your lap or be as cute as her but I can love you just as unconditionally. 🙂

  3. ok, well, I get some points because I didn’t read this at work! 😉 but teary and feel like an elephant just sat on my chest.

    dear meg, we all have to move on. we carry her in our hearts. she will ever be a part of us. as you said, it is not good to dwell on the past. we have to accept what is and live life. do you remember Lon’s analogy of the river and how we need to flow down the river and not get caught in an eddy off to the side or hold onto the bank and go with the river–that is what you are talking about.

    it helped me to realize that it was not my responsibility to remember shava for her life here. god has a book of life where he writes names; he has the responsibility to remember her–and he will.

    you know, meg, we are all changed because shava was part of our lives. i know she left a huge hole for you, but you were also perhaps the most blessed by her because you were the closest. i miss her so much and still talk to her sometimes, just because i want to. i love her smiling face pictures around my home, and i love your smiling face, too!

    and I hope you know, darling, that you always have my love, no matter what, no matter where. want me to sit on your lap? 😉

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