Racing Mind

BeFunky_062.jpgWith the boys playing quietly in the other room, I have CSI: NY playing on Netflix & I am using Facebook Chat to talk to my husband while he finishes up his break at work yet, my mind is still taunting me with the dread that Friday is coming soon. Don’t get me wrong, I love Fridays, it means the weekend is coming, more time with my husband & boys, & this Friday my husband actually has the day off from work which is super exciting! We get to file the adoption papers and the parenting plan paperwork. This Friday is going to be the best, most eventful Friday in a long time! Yet, I am dreading it.

This Friday isn’t just a day of running errands & getting paperwork filed but, it is also a day that I have my post op. appointment with my OB. Our last two boys, I just skipped over it but, the last two times I’ve had a PAP, they have been abnormal. My husband finally had me look into it during this pregnancy, even though I really didn’t want to & I know that this next appointment is important but, it’s also nerve wrecking. I have to have another colposcopy done & possibly a biopsy. Now before you say it, it’s not a colonoscopy. It’s a colposcopy. I had abnormal/precancer cells present last time, when they did a colposcopy with our newest addition. I am just really hoping that it’s back to being normal.

Call it selfish if you want but, personally, I don’t want to have to go through it & I don’t want my kiddos to either. If it comes back abnormal, we’re looking at the chance that I have cervical cancer. If it ends up being cervical cancer, I’ll have to look into treatment, including surgery, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, immunotherapy, or vaccine therapy.

I am still trying to stay positive but, I was already worried about getting breast cancer because my aunt, on my mom’s side, was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago and having abnormal cells is a bit terrifying. I wanted one lady I knew as a kid get leukemia and she passed away last month. Her story is uplifting, inspiring, and terrifying all in one. I feel for the family & her children & I have begun dreading that my children will loss me–maybe not in the physical being, in terms of death but, I am worried what this could do to me emotionally. But, until Friday comes, I will have to put it out of my mind–as much as humanly possible & I am going to keep my chin up high & just enjoy this week with my wonderful, growing men.

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