Early today, I realized one thing about me–I am a messy person. That’s who I am & always have been, I was even talking to my older sister about it a couple weeks ago because my husband likes clean stuff & that’s just not who I am. I’ve been trying a lot to do this & that to make it easier for him & to keep the tidy house–& I believe it’ll be a good thing to live with my brother-in-law & sister because it will force me to be tidier than I usually am & if I get in the habit of it, maybe I will start liking it more & be able to keep up with it. But, back to what I was originally thinking–I am a messy person (judge away) but, I am OCD when it comes to Legos–I want the Legos to be in the objects that they are supposed to be… The ones we bought my son are supposed to be a car, boat, farm animals, etc. & I always want to build them that way but, I also love to see what they create. But, my BIGGEST pet peeve about it, they don’t give you enough Legos to do ALL the pictures they show you ALL at once. It tries me NUTS! I want to use ALL the Legos & make everything in the book–& so does my son but, I can’t because they don’t have enough pieces to do it all.
This evening–after I went to try & find some pictures in regards to “Discovering Yourself”–what I’ve been trying to do… Been working so hard on trying to figure out “WHO I AM” & surprisingly, it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. I keep trying to pen point who I am & everything but, I think it really is like this quote says–you create yourself. I could start out by saying, “I am a mom, daughter, sister, etc.” But, that is only a part of “who I am”. I feel like the crazy hair, tattoos, piercings (which I had to get rid of… dang you metal allergy)–I feel like those help me be who I am. But, at the same time, they are just another piece of me. Still trying to figure out WHO I am.
In ALL honesty, I thought this was going to be some simple–I am blank, blah, & etc. but, these last few days, I haven’t had a lot of time to figure it out or to even think about it. I’ve learned a few things about myself like—I am…
- A dreamer
- Sometimes OCD
- A wife
- A mother
- A sister
- A friend
- A couponer
- A writer
- Determined to make a living doing something I love & not just whatever is out there–although, I would do it if I had to for my boys
- A struggling, swearing Christian (yeah, don’t preach at me please)
- A survivor
- A struggling, recovering addict (not drugs)
- A big-hearted, give too many chances type of friend/person (although it’s harder to trust after the first time you hurt me)
- A defensive person–I used to be naive & unaware but now, I have gotten to wear I seem to try & jump first so I hurt you before you hurt me at times–hence why I often throw divorce in my husband’s face before he can throw it in mine–although I’ve gotten better about it
And that’s about where it all stops–to be able to get all of that on “paper” is more than I ever could have thought I would have gotten. Some of that took until not to actually admit–but, I know that this is a growing process & something that I need. Part of this is getting harder because I know certain events that shaped me & I am not ready to face all of them… But, I know that I will have to in order to completely get past them. But, at the same time, they are some events that you have faced them before & you think you have gotten over them but, they seem to still haunt you. They are those things that if you put them out there–you have to admit them all over again. I’ve faced them in the past but, I hate thinking that I’ll have to fall back there again. Seems like life has come so far from there but, I know they make me who I am. Maybe another night will be more detail–cause night, just thinking about them… It sucks. But, what first comes to mind is–missing my baby sister, praying I never start cutting again (yes, I am in my 20’s but, it is always going to haunt me!), praying that I can find peace with something that I am not quite ready to put out there–for many reasons. Praying that I can sleep well tonight after all of this “Who Am I” business bring up some stuff that I haven’t completely faced.
I am a person with few secrets but, they definitely eat from the inside out.