Who I Am (Part 4)

Well, yesterday was “technically” the last day that I was supposed to be thinking about “who I am” but, I am moving it to today because yesterday was a crazy day.

Yesterday, it was my first MAJOR day off in a long time–extra hours with kiddos, forgetting my vitamins, etc.–it all just mounted up. Had stuff that needed to get done but, wasn’t so–yeah, long day everywhere. Made my sister’s plate break in the microwave–yeah, that kind of day.

Sadly, it lead to a lot of fighting & tension between hubby & I since he was having a “crack every cheesy joke everywhere” kind of day–let me tell ya, those two days don’t got together at all!

But, I feel like I did good–I was raised where we didn’t talk about anything that happened, ever really. We didn’t start to until my parents split so, things like knowing what being touched was–they were discovered by listening to the Christian radio station, Googling it, & then bawling because I realized it had happened to me as a kid–& had never told anyone about it because I didn’t know what IT was & like most people–I felt like I had done something wrong. Needless to say, it was years after the event and one of the hardest things to ever tell a parent–other than…

Oh mom, I lost my virginity & wasn’t going to tell you but, the guy & his ex girlfriend are going around telling everyone so, I am telling you so you don’t hear it from somewhere else.

Yeah–that happened. But, back to the originally point I was trying to get out–because we never talked about anything, we weren’t taught how to get things out so, I turned to what a few of my friends did–self-mutilation. At  the time, I thought it was solving everything. Someone hurt me, a little cut here and on with the day. But, it got worse–bigger, deeper, etc. –what had started out as what I thought was a simple, temporary solution & turned into an addiction. I got help for a few years and did good. But, talking has never been easy for me. I have always kept everything inside so, I joined mommy groups where I could get support & vent because his ex found & read through my whole entire OTHER blog when he & I had just started dating–she knew more than he did… but, hubby didn’t like the groups so, afterat we got married, I have been working on quitting. Took a long time but, after it turned into bash your hubby, instead of try this to help, I quit. Yesterday, I so wanted to go back Zito vent and bash away but, instead, I wrote an email to my family, erased a chunk of it so it wasn’t bashing my hubby and then sent it for help. Later, talked with the hubby and we agreed to start today new but, needing to talk about stuff and needing time to cool off and someone to vent to (hubby said he preferred my family instead of the groups)–that’s a part of me and always will be. May not be something people like but, I am definitely glad my hubby is willing to work with me and give me somewhere I can get it all out.

I may not be good at talking-especially with confrontational talking but, I am working on it & I need to talk so I keep up my healthy streak.

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