PTSD…

You know what it is–post traumatic stress disorder. I never thought I would be told that I probably have it or some form of it. In my head PTSD is what the soldiers might return with from battle because they saw horrible things… Something someone is “punished” with for doing brave things–cause I can’t use earned… They don’t deserve it and it’s not a reward in any way.

See, I have this tendency to withdraw and shutdown quickly if an argument arises or if things start to get tense. Me saying stuff like “we should stop because this gets worse,” or “please stop”… Those are huge for me. I grew up always hearing, “(insert name here), would you like to say anything? You’re shutting down. When you’re ready to talk, let me know. But, we’ll stop for now.” I never understood it really, I would just tune it out because I didn’t want to hear it. But, back to how we figured this out…

My sister recently graduate college and is a social worker. She has always been really smart and known a lot about Psychology. She called because we were talking about something I needed advice on when it came up. She started talking about how (our) sperm donor used to yell at me all the time–I’ve heard stories. When I was sick, crying, did something wrong (yeah–go figure, all parents do, right?)–except, this was the kind of yelling where two of your older sisters (3 & 5 years–probably off by a year or something here) want to beat him up, slap him across the face, etc.–and yet SD used to tell stories about how much I loved him and would cry the minute he left until he returned… Thanks but, Mom explained it was ONE DAY!! 😛

Any woo–so, Q (the one who called this morning) explained that it was a result if SD yelling at me. Now, as she sad this, my eyes began to fill up with tears as I don’t feel so pathetic now. I never understood it. I always wished I could have been more assertive, etc. but, I never have been–it took me a long time to even discipline my kiddos… But, it explains it all.

I am not some effed up freak who has no “balls” so to speak. I am a just working through and still healing from the last 22.5 years.

Puts working on not yelling at our boys in a better perspective. Makes me want to work harder at it and I have been–I think.

But, that’s me… An unsure adult still healing and growing. I have been better about standing up and not yelling. Just one day at a time.

On the another hand, I feel like something is still wrong with me… PCOS, PTSD… What abbreviation do I need to have next?! Lol.

Well, time for dinner and a movie while I wait for hubby to get home so we can bust out some Madden. 🙂

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