It’s one of those nights–if you’ve ever lost someone you love, you probably know what I am talking about.
Boys are asleep and I decided to do some cleaning and rearranging. I got our stockpile in our room rearrange so, I had two sets of drawers and a couples shelves to take care of in our bedroom. I moved the drawers and the bigger shelf into the computer room and began piecing it together.
I came across the scrapbook drawer that I have been avoiding for the last, give or take, three years. The last time I remember opening it and sorting through it was when L was one. He turned four in September.
The last time I opened it, it was to put my husband’s and my engagement pictures in it. I love that folder that’s in there. I am actually more in love with the designs of the pages now than I was right after I made them. It’s crazy. But, true. I love the memories. I dislike some things that I did or who I was then. But, any day with Mr–those days are some of my favorites.
I found the next folder and I had a hard time knowing whether I should actually open the folder or not. I knew what was in there. But, I didn’t know what or how I would handle it. Some days, it doesn’t phase me. Others, I make me bawl like a baby after they get a shot.
… only know you love her when you let her go…
… and you let her go…
For the last three years, I have been avoiding throwing anything of my baby sister’s out. After she was taken off of life support, I went to the hospital to see my best friend who was in the ICU, from the same accident–the same one where I was driving.
I hadn’t slept much the few days before so, his mom went back with the nurse to clean him up before we went to see him–that and I was too afraid to. But, they went back and said it would be a while so, I rested my head on the couch with a blanket. Started remembering the wonderful hugs he had given me the day before, the wonderful phone calls where he would just listen to me and not yell at me for self-mutilating or for even being a self-mutilator.
All of the sudden, I was back at the scene of the accident. I could hear laughing and my baby sister’s voice in the air. I ran to the edge, where the railing surrounded the drop off. I could see her. She was just relaxing in the treetops. She looked up with a big smile on her face. Then, we were back in the car, I looked towards my friend and all I could see was bright lights getting closer.
I threw myself up and was praying it was a dream as I pulled the blanket off my head but, when I saw where we were, I just wanted to bawl all over again.
I’ve been avoiding these drawers for three years because I kept hoping that she was somewhere out there. For the longest time, I thought she would just come dancing through the doors—and man, do I wish she still would. But, it finally sunk in, I can’t hold onto everything forever.
I have learned to let go of the idea of what would have happened if this or what would have happened if that. I will always still do it but, now… now I see my three beautiful boys and my amazing husband who loves me unconditionally. He’s not just married to me because he can’t have my best friend or anything like that. He loves me, for me. I am truly blessed.
I will always wish the accident didn’t happen! I know my whole family will. And so will my best friend’s. But, there is a story that my baby sister wrote. It wasn’t of interest to me when I had it but, I couldn’t emotionally throw it away. So, this week–this month and next, I will writing it up and finding some way to make it a little tribute. But, I will not be holding onto every single piece of paper that comes with it or that she ever owned.
… only know you’ve been feeling high…
… when you’re feeling low…
No matter how much I want to, I can’t.
I love you! How I wish you were still here. I could use one of yours and …. hugs right now. ❤ I miss your laughter, your jokes—the pure sound of your voice. I wish I could have one last conversation with you.
I want you to know that you truly are one of the wisest people I have ever had the honor of knowing. I got the biggest honor by having you as my sister for almost 13-14 years.
Please know that even though I am prepare to pass on some of your items, that I am not forgetting you and all you did for me.
I love you!