I say if I’m…

beautiful

I’ve been watching a lot of different shows that have strong-female leads, seeing a lot of photos about Madeline Stuart, watching my Facebook feed filled with authors and people pushing through college, and recently started listening to Amy Schumer’s book (The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo) and every time I see how awesome they are doing and how they are making it, I always think it looks so easy. I always want that to be me. As Amy mentions in the book, I want to make “new money” because I want to know that I can give to my friends, family, and whoever the f*** I wanna. I want the freedom to know that I can give and we’ll be fine.

What I don’t give them credit for is the long hours that had to come for their success. Sure, I see a friend or two that have written books or I’ve been listening to Amy’s book and thinking, “Man, I could open up and just put it all out there and see where it goes.” But, do I really wanna tell the world about some of those areas. No, not really. If I put a book out there, I’d probably have to talk to half a dozen people saying, “I want to share this, but I don’t want to offend you.”

I would love to write a book and have it published, just for s**ts and giggles. I tried writing half a dozen of them when I was 16 years old and talked myself out of it when my younger sister got a lot of recognition for her writing. I have never been one to try and compete or try to outshine anyone.

I hate conflict, so I often push back what I want to do or be and then just try to measure up to someone else. Well, I say, “F*** that!” After moving two states to be close to family and having my family move away 2.5 years after (we shared a house for one year and only saw them 3-6 times the 1.5 years we didn’t live together, only increase when my mom moved here), I finally realized that I am done living life for someone else.

If I wanna do something, I am gonna do it. I wanted to be a counselor–nope, I am too emotional for that and I know it. So, I figured I could be a masseuse–nah, I am not good with invading people’s space. So, I am going to school to be an occupational therapist–yeah, I am going to help people, probably invade their space, but it’s to help them, lol.

After 1 Week, I was ready to quit. I was in tears and feeling like I was trying to measure up to other people. That I had to have this stupid degree because so-and-so has that degree, that I had to go to school because I want to be like so-and-so…

I signed up for classes for me, because I wanted to work toward giving my family a better life, so that’s what I am working on. Is this what I’ll end up doing for the rest of my life, who knows?!

But, I am done telling myself that I can’t because I am not as good as so-and-so or because it didn’t turn out like so-and-so. I am going to do what I need to do for me and my family and what I want to do.

No, I don’t think that I’ll be the next Picasso or well-known modern day artist, no idea who is one know a days. I am pretty sure I won’t be Amy Schumer, though I love her outlook on life. And I won’t be J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, Nora Roberts, or James Patterson. But, I definitely want to make a good life for my family and be able to give back to people–friends, family, and my community.

How will I do this, only God knows. πŸ™‚ I am still as clueless as I appear. I am sure there’s a better metaphor or simile out there for that, but it’s bedtime here, I’ve been up since dawn and I am about to go work job #2 in an 1.5 hours, only to get home 3 hours before I should be awake. πŸ™‚

What I am trying to get across here is–if you want to be like someone that you admire, go for it, try it out! Don’t let the little voice in the back of your head stop you. Try it out and if it’s not what you thought or how you thought it would go, then move on to something else. Write everything down, otherwise you’ll forget your ideas. πŸ™‚ Get going!

What’s on your list?

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