Truth Is…

I do not do this to be a pity me–or a woe my life sucks–because my life doesn’t. But I want to share with you what my body/brain are doing so the next time someone talks about a mental illness, you can understand a little more of what they are going through.

I went grocery shopping with Z and talked with my mom on the phone. My anxiety was calming down until I started loading the car with groceries.

Seriously just loading groceries and I started cramping and thought I was gonna be sick in their parking lot. Driving home and sharp pains in my stomach and back. I’ve been so careful with what I eat to not have such pains, it’s frustrating that my body is doing this.

Here I am brain and body are trying to process everything still–just life–and it feels as though they are fighting each other–fighting against me.

I am thankful for Mr. and the boys who unloaded the groceries and helped me put the groceries away.

For a husband who will put up with easy meals–off our Keto plan–while I try to get my head straight.

It’s exhausting knowing this you isn’t you and feeling helpless. Not knowing what is truly going on or what is wrong with you.

You just wanna stay in bed and sleep through all this crazy until you’re you again. But it doesn’t work that way.

You grocery shop exhausted and nauseous. You do laundry for your family while in pain. You sit in the couch and try to watch tv shows so you can be a “part of your family” even though you’d rather be in bed asleep or crying.

There’s a small part of me that is still me cause I know the rest of this isn’t me. It’s just a processes getting through this fog–this heavy blanket cloud in my head to find the rest of me.

I know I’ll get there–but in the meantime, this is life. Tight chest, reminding myself to unclinch my jaw, stomach and back pains, knot in my throat.

Thank you to my friends, boss, family, coworkers–all the wonderful people who let me know this crazy not me me is okay. That they’re there if I need them. This process wouldn’t be possible without you. I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

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