Depression is a B*tch

It has been a rough day. I self-sabotaged and got myself all worked up and wanting to skip work. I wanted to call out, work from home, something. But, I sucked it up and went in.

Work was quiet, so I started watching TV and then figured I would try to do some more self help reading—or self growth. But, let me tell you, after getting a little too intoxicated this weekend, that was a mistake.

I started reading and instantly just felt so drained. I watch some more Netflix, posted a few other blogs, but honestly, my soul is having an off day.

They happen from time to time. Even with being on “happy pills” I still have I am not myself day here and there. Today was definitely one of those days.

The stress of finances, the disconnect from people and loved ones, the distance and lack of social life—I think it’s all catching up today. I miss people. I miss connection. I don’t like feeling like the odd man out. And today, today was one of those days.

There were challenges at every corner and as I was sitting in the computer/dining room attempting to entertain Mr. E, I just felt so empty and hollow yet so much pain. It was in that moment that I realized that between struggling with this when I was pregnant with Mr. E and now, after he’s here—I can understand how hormones could miss your head up so much that you’d think the world was better off without you.

Some days I don’t have to fight so hard, but today I fight for my life against myself. Do you understand what that’s like?

As I was sitting in the computer room feeling so empty and hollow I realized why suicide happens to new moms—why isn’t depression talked about more? Why is it made to be such a hidden issue when it’s such a problem? It was in that moment, sitting in my own emptiness and yet understanding of others not wanting to feel that way any more, that I realized I am in a position to offer a unique understanding. That I could accomplish one of my #futureboards goals(?), not even sure what to call it. But, I could actually write a unique perspective on struggling with depression.

I am not the only one who does and I know part of mine is PCOS and part is definitely PPD. But I am so tired of always feeling like how I feel is invalid. That I am the only one to feel this way. It hurts and yet there’s an emptiness. And if sharing all of this saves someone else’s life when they realize they’re not alone. That although it’s exhausting and it gets old, it doesn’t last forever. You get to where you have more good than bad days. People do care about you. You matter. Whether people tell you or not—in fact I’ll be the first one to tell you, so read this again—YOU MATTER!

Fight those thoughts that tell you the emptiness will always be there. Ask someone to hold you. Take a shower. Go for a run or bike ride. Scribble it out. Cry when you need to. Sleep through it. Do something to fight back! But don’t give up.

I write this not only to you, but also to myself. Because today is one of those rough days. Where I just want someone to hold me. Where I wish I could cry it all out and feel better, but I feel empty, exhausted, and like I have a lump in my throat all at the same time. I want to blast music, but I don’t have the energy for it. So instead, I’ve reach the moment where I’ll just end up sleeping it off. I know tomorrow will be better. It doesn’t feel like it in my chest. But I am listening to my body and it’s saying I need a break. I am not done with life, but my body, my soul—it’s done with today.

So sleep, my friends. And know that the sun will come out tomorrow—yes, little orphan Annie.

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