The Story Begins

I started my first day on Thrive today. I am not sure what I think about it yet. The caffeine pills that you start with seem to be a little too strong for me. I have managed to wean myself off caffeine due to gall bladder issues that are caused by PCOS, so I am really unsure about taking them. I got the jitters a lot. I couldn’t make it more than three hours after breakfast this morning before needing to eat lunch and about five hours after that I had to eat dinner, so it’s going to be a challenge with the schedule I keep three days a week for work.

The upside to it though is that I got what could be one chapter written for my story. But, now my brain is running wild. My struggle with depression sort of starts back when I was 13 and struggled with self harming, but I wasn’t really depressed back then. I was just overwhelmed with feeling so much and feeling like I had no control over my life. So much happened so quickly I didn’t even have time to process and we didn’t talk about much growing up. So, now I don’t know if I should write my book in parts–self-harming, what I’ve learned about PCOS (depression, anxiety, gall bladder/grease issues, etc.), depression while pregnant and PPD. There’s so much I want to share and I feel like it would be easier to get it out there if it was in a book that people could recommend or actually put in someone’s hand rather than a blog. But, I am unsure, as usual.

I joined a few groups on how to write a book and I am hoping that over the next few weeks I can get a clear picture of what I want and how to tell my story because I really want to. I have so much in my heart and head that I just want out there. Things I want to say and share–healing that I know needs to happen. Writing it all out has been therapeutic. I helped me so much to know that I wasn’t alone when I was going through my struggles–I just want to do the same for others.

I was talking to a friend today and realized that part of me still wants to write a sort of f*ck you book about things you don’t say or do to people who are grieving. When I lost my sister I heard things and had things done that I don’t think I have actually forgive. I am not sure that it needs to be a book, but I am definitely thinking that a post is in order.

If I didn’t have to get up for the day job tomorrow, I could sit in this silence and try to let it all flow out of my mind and onto this screen. But, alas I must adult. Bills to pay and children to raise. 

Until tomorrow when I bear my soul again…

Book vs Blog Post(s).

I set out this morning thinking I was going to write a book, but honestly, I don’t even know where to start–blogging is so much easier. Believe it or not, I didn’t think about how much work goes into writing a book–planning it out, researching, writing and rewriting.

I started researching it last night and when I started writing about my struggle with depression this morning. But, as I was writing, I realized that I am being much more critical of what I write than if I were to just pour it all out here, so maybe this isn’t my topic for a book. I don’t know yet, but I want the world to know that depression is not the stereotypical person you see on a TV show. I am going to try and do this in parts because my journey, what I have learned about it, what it’s really like–it’s a lot to take in, a lot to get out, and it’s not something you can sum up into 1,000 words or less.

I am more of a word vomit person than an edit, plan, and execute. I want it to be raw and real and I worry that if I make it a book, I won’t finish it or get the right message across. But, I also worry that if I do blog posts no one will want to read through all of them and I really want to make depression less of a stigma–I want it to be real and less alien to everyone.

I guess now is when I go back to my roots–pray for guidance and that whatever I am meant to share comes out, no matter where I share it.