College Emotions

I am finally feeling like I am over being sick, but now because of the two jobs and school, I am so exhausted that I worry I’ll get sick again. I haven’t gone to the day job (the one that I gave two week notice to, over 2 months ago) in two days. I didn’t go Wednesday because I turned off my alarm and ended up falling back asleep and waking up 4 minutes after I was supposed to be at work. I didn’t go today because I signed onto my classes yesterday and ended up super stressed and pissed off because I missed an assignment deadline. Missing the deadline means that I also miss all the points for another assignment, talk about self-sabotaging.

I pulled myself together enough yesterday to get the assignment together into (what I thought was) a decent paper. Well, I messed up one part and figured I would’ve lost more points if I fixed it and resubmitted it tonight (-20% instead of -10% last night). Well, I got a 12/20 on it. It would’ve been worse, but I am quickly remembering why I fucking hated college before. I felt like I was a giant failure when I failed my first class–of course, during this time, my husband and I were both trying to work, raise kids (2 at the time), and I was pregnant with our third.


Well, that was interesting. So, I started this about 5 minutes after I got my 12/20 grade (about 3 hours ago now). I was upset with the feedback comments, frustrated I had misunderstood some of the assignment and even more disappointed that I lost those 25pts. Well, Mr got home earlier than I thought he would and I cried into his chest for a bit. Told him that I knew I couldn’t change it, I knew what I needed to do, but I need a minute to be upset. I am wrapping up week 3 and I am on to week 4 soon, which means I have 8-9 more weeks to get all my assignments in, do my best and aim to get the grade I wanted. It is my first below average grade.

I had my school stuff still up, took the laptop into the computer room to watch Netflix or crash while Mr was nerdy, and thought if I had enough energy left I would edit my paper using the feedback my teacher gave me, so I can turn it in and get as many points as possible, out of 100 on the final draft.

I sat down and I noticed that I had a new message from my teacher, I had sent her one earlier about messing up and was there any way I could get the 25pts any way. She had told me no, but to take the 12/20pts and do what I was hoping, no more late papers. I pulled up the new message and almost started crying again, but was too happy and saying too many “Thank you, Jesus!” ‘s in my head to be able to cry. Another student’s paper has gotten lost in the cyber world and though she had turned it in on time, it was not assigned to someone peer edit, so she put us together! I have a chance to get those 25pts!!

I completed the editing tonight, on my peers paper and will use tomorrow to study for my 55pts test and edit my final draft.

I don’t care if what you believe in–good karma, will, Buddha, God, maybe your higher power doesn’t have a name–whatever it is, mine had my back and gave me a fighting chance. 

Instead of sitting and wallowing all night long, I went through the 7 stages of grief…

  • Shock/disbelief & denial – I had planned on receiving an 18, maybe a 16. I did my best to follow the layout (from what I understood). When I saw the 12, I quickly pulled up the paper and tried to find some logical reason for that. There was no way I should have basically failed the assignment.
  • Anger – I had so many swear words and rude comments flying through my head. Calling myself, my teacher–anyone I could think of to blame–the rudest names. Getting pissed off because it was turning out to be the same journey as last time. I could’ve done better, I should’ve done better and because of how I was raise, that 12/20 was like getting my report card having that one C that got me in trouble.
  • Bargaining – that was the email to my instructor asking I’d there was anything I could submit to make up for it
  • Guilt – I did this myself. I tried to work three jobs on Monday, hang out with friends Tuesday and catch up on all kinds of errands and housecleaning that I completely forgot about my assignment
  • Depression – that came about the time I opened the computer to write this post. I had tears in my eyes, my heart was crushed, and I could barely breathe. I was convincing myself I was going to fail like last time. That this one paper would ruin it all. If I couldn’t do this simple thing right, nothing else would be.
  • Acceptance and Hope – this came when Mr got home, I could cry it out, and realize that I have more time to keep going. I can’t change this grade, but I can fix my paper and get more of those 100pts.

This week has ddefinitely not gone as planned, but I have an “ah-ha” moment that I keep reminding myself of. I actually wanted to share it with you on Mon-Tues, but I was so short on time I couldn’t get it up. Maybe on study break tomorrow. It was something that “hit me right in the face” when I was listening to You’re A Badass. 

So, if you’re curious, stay tuned. But, for now, it’s early Friday morning and I’ve got some college stuff to do tomorrow, so I stay on top of this.

I say if I’m…


I’ve been watching a lot of different shows that have strong-female leads, seeing a lot of photos about Madeline Stuart, watching my Facebook feed filled with authors and people pushing through college, and recently started listening to Amy Schumer’s book (The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo) and every time I see how awesome they are doing and how they are making it, I always think it looks so easy. I always want that to be me. As Amy mentions in the book, I want to make “new money” because I want to know that I can give to my friends, family, and whoever the f*** I wanna. I want the freedom to know that I can give and we’ll be fine.

What I don’t give them credit for is the long hours that had to come for their success. Sure, I see a friend or two that have written books or I’ve been listening to Amy’s book and thinking, “Man, I could open up and just put it all out there and see where it goes.” But, do I really wanna tell the world about some of those areas. No, not really. If I put a book out there, I’d probably have to talk to half a dozen people saying, “I want to share this, but I don’t want to offend you.”

I would love to write a book and have it published, just for s**ts and giggles. I tried writing half a dozen of them when I was 16 years old and talked myself out of it when my younger sister got a lot of recognition for her writing. I have never been one to try and compete or try to outshine anyone.

I hate conflict, so I often push back what I want to do or be and then just try to measure up to someone else. Well, I say, “F*** that!” After moving two states to be close to family and having my family move away 2.5 years after (we shared a house for one year and only saw them 3-6 times the 1.5 years we didn’t live together, only increase when my mom moved here), I finally realized that I am done living life for someone else.

If I wanna do something, I am gonna do it. I wanted to be a counselor–nope, I am too emotional for that and I know it. So, I figured I could be a masseuse–nah, I am not good with invading people’s space. So, I am going to school to be an occupational therapist–yeah, I am going to help people, probably invade their space, but it’s to help them, lol.

After 1 Week, I was ready to quit. I was in tears and feeling like I was trying to measure up to other people. That I had to have this stupid degree because so-and-so has that degree, that I had to go to school because I want to be like so-and-so…

I signed up for classes for me, because I wanted to work toward giving my family a better life, so that’s what I am working on. Is this what I’ll end up doing for the rest of my life, who knows?!

But, I am done telling myself that I can’t because I am not as good as so-and-so or because it didn’t turn out like so-and-so. I am going to do what I need to do for me and my family and what I want to do.

No, I don’t think that I’ll be the next Picasso or well-known modern day artist, no idea who is one know a days. I am pretty sure I won’t be Amy Schumer, though I love her outlook on life. And I won’t be J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, Nora Roberts, or James Patterson. But, I definitely want to make a good life for my family and be able to give back to people–friends, family, and my community.

How will I do this, only God knows. 🙂 I am still as clueless as I appear. I am sure there’s a better metaphor or simile out there for that, but it’s bedtime here, I’ve been up since dawn and I am about to go work job #2 in an 1.5 hours, only to get home 3 hours before I should be awake. 🙂

What I am trying to get across here is–if you want to be like someone that you admire, go for it, try it out! Don’t let the little voice in the back of your head stop you. Try it out and if it’s not what you thought or how you thought it would go, then move on to something else. Write everything down, otherwise you’ll forget your ideas. 🙂 Get going!

What’s on your list?