Ups & Downs

I started out 40 Bags in 40 Days really strong. I was motivated. I had support. I had a plan. I was setting small, realistic goals, and I was completing them. But, somewhere along the way, my brain and my body weren’t agreeing any more. One was saying keep going, while the other was saying, let’s do nothing. We’ve done enough, the rest will take care of itself.

Cleaning with children feels impossible. It truly does. Z (11 months) wants to be held all the time because he hasn’t quite mastered crawling so, he still scoots round the house. His brothers want to play with anything and everything I have just picked up. Plus, the little boy I watch, well, he has a fascination with dumping every toy out half the time. So, yes–I eat Oreos while I attempt to brush my teeth. Horrible habit and a complete pain in the buns. But, if you can help teach the Oreos how to hold your toothbrush and help you brush your teeth too, then it’s a win-win. Right?

It’s true in this house. Take away the time I probably waste on the computer–damn you, Facebook— or watching Netflix–currently watching Royal Pains  while hubby gets caught up on House so we can watch it together, I’d probably have a completely clean house. I’ve been tempted to send the laptop with him, to work–or just hide it in the car–so that if I wanted to get on the computer, I’d have to go sit at his, in the office. But, I am not sure that that would even work.

This morning, I almost put on Netflix for me again but, with screaming children and a fussing baby and me having no energy yet, it’s time for some good ol’ cartoons to start the day.

Yesterday I set out to have the five main rooms clean–bedrooms, living, dining, and kitchen. We cleaned the boy’s room three times–and I am scared to go see what it looks like this morning. I got the kitchen cleaned about that same number of times. Hoping that all that is left is last night’s dishes. Swept and tidied the living and dining room a bit. But, they still look horrible! My goal today is get get all the clutter out and get them back to being functional. Plus, one of the little…. joys of my life took a metal piece that holds a shelf in the main rooms up so, I have to find that. It’s crooked and really bothering me. Just hoping I can actually find it. I didn’t buy any extras.

Today is coffee, cleaning, and doing everything that I’ve been putting off–or at least getting it all gathered up so I can get it done this week, on my “me day”. Seems like the list only keeps getting bigger. But, cleaning first and I’ll find a box to start putting all the need to do stuff in–or something. I am not even sure yet. My mind is on clean, clean, clean. If only I could imagine where it goes and it just would just poof there.

Just kidding!! That’s not how I clean–sometimes it sure feels like it. Moving stuff from one place to other, throwing it in a box to deal with later, just throwing it in the room that it goes in but, not actually putting it away. Yeah–that has to stop.

Physically, I am drained. Yesterday, I realized that I am on of those “try to do it all” moms. We’re just that–we try to do it all. Many times failing and feeling worthless and worse than I did before.

Part of that is why I tend to avoid making lists. If I make a list of what I need to do and don’t get it all done or I forget to do something–I feel ridiculous. I hate them. They’re helpful. But, I tend to put things on the days they need to be done and if they’re not done on that day then I just want to throw the list away so I don’t have to see it any more.

Our society even has “do it all moms” on items we use daily. Sorry but, I am not one of them. Sure, I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping/couponing, and we’re about to start homeschooling soon. But, I am not a “do it all mom”. My house don’t look like the inside of a magazine. I don’t have dinner on the table every night at exactly 5PM. We don’t have designated meal times. My floors don’t sparkle.

Sure, there are tips and tricks that you can do so you can be an “do it all mom”. I am not a morning person but, I am usually up by 7AM, if not earlier. I have begun using the crockpot because it works better. I pop it in and it’s done by the time Mr. gets home from work–if I don’t just send dinner with him. Most of my cleaning, etc. I do when the boys are sleeping or at least, when Mr. is sleeping. I use coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. I also do the involving kids bit. I get the boys to help with dishes, cleaning their room, picking up the toys and coloring supplies from the living room, finding all the hiding dishes, entertaining “baby” Z, etc. I don’t call them chores or anything. I just ask them to help. Some days if they say they don’t want to, I let it go, other days, I tell them they are going to and they do.

I am not a “do-it-all mom”!! Nor do I claim to be. I do what I can ignore what I can’t handle. That screaming 2 year old who won’t stop throwing a fit, usually gets hidden in his room. That child that keeps putting his bottle in my face when I am trying to wake up or just need 5 minutes to myself, usually gets told to go play, bottle gets hidden, or even thrown across the room so I can have 5 seconds to breathe. Yeah–I am a “I loss it daily” kind of mom. I am not perfect, nor will I pretend to be.

There it is–and now for the screaming “baby” Z who can’t seem to handle being on his own today… And breakfast.

One Day at a Time

For many years, I have had a hard time finding myself “self worth” at times. Some times I blame it on the man who was supposed to be my “dad” but, was only a “father”. He made me with my mom but, he definitely wasn’t a “dad” to me. Other times, I blame it on my years of self-mutilation coming back to try and haunt me.

Overall, I am trying to tell myself that it is this society–I was 13 years old when I had my first “job”. I was homeschooling and babysitting a 6 month old little girl. After that, it was the “normal” job of fast food. One to something else (retail), back to “fast food”, and then on to Customer Service. I have worked for a number of employers, bouncing back and forth.

As I am watching my currently job, of watching a little boy, coming to an end in a few months, freelancing taking an unexpected turn, and another business I was supposed to be “partnering” with go nowhere… It’s that time of the year again. Perhaps because of no sunshine. I am not sure.


Update: So, I started writing this post on the 4th–today is the 8th and I am starting to see the light again. I am looking into a couple other babysitting jobs, for a little bit, before we move.

I have found there are a lot of moms who need help and are willing to pay someone to help out and others who need people to walk their dogs, feed them, and give them clean water. Definitely not a shortage in any of those areas so, I am going to be looking into a couple different things that I can do after my babysitting job ends.