It’s time to end the stigma associate with mental health…

Four months ago I set out to make one of my #futuregoals come true. Can’t make your dreams/plans come true if you don’t put in the work, right?

Well, it ended up being counter-productive and until this last week when talking with my sisters and the following conversation took place…

“…Sometimes it’s difficult to encounter my 18-year-old self without groaning.”

“We ALL feel the same way about our 18-year-old selves; it’s why I burned all of my journals from that time. “

This seems to have really hit home. Four months ago I had this drive, this passion to push myself to make something happen–I wanted to make something positive come from this insanity that has been playing like a game of pinball for more than 15 years. But, I pushed myself too hard and I burnt myself out.

8 pages, 3097 words about my struggles with depression since I was 13 years old… I am not who that girl was. I don’t like who that girl was. And I am starting to understand why some people hiring people to write their biographies. Trying to write a story about how your struggles began and what you went through–I give the motivational speakers props…

I wear my heart on my sleeves and putting to paper everything that I haven’t fully faced since I was 13…

I starting seeing a therapist last month–being on anxiety meds after getting rear-ended and anti-depressants since last year… my doc thought it would be a good idea.

My therapist said something to be that really stuck–cause no one else has every said this to me…

And to be honest, I usually have people tell me this and I brush it off. “Yeah, I’ve been through stuff, but it could’ve been worse.”

My counselor told me that doing this kind of takes away from the story. So, now I pass it to you—it’s okay to admit that stuff in life has sucked—that it hurt—that you’ve been through a lot.

I am not sure if trying to write that book was a good idea–or if it’s just too raw still. Maybe I’ll never finish it. I honestly don’t know.

I do know that I am here for those who need someone to talk to about depression, anxiety, symptoms–a listening ear. If you need help finding help, I am 100% here for you.

I am not 100% back to me. But I am getting there. I have more good day than bad.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. It can happen to the best of us.

I had just gotten a promotion, pregnant with my 4th baby, married to an amazing man–living a good life–when I hit rock bottom since I was 13 years old. It can happen to any of us. Ask for help. You have more people in your corner than you realize.

Book vs Blog Post(s).

I set out this morning thinking I was going to write a book, but honestly, I don’t even know where to start–blogging is so much easier. Believe it or not, I didn’t think about how much work goes into writing a book–planning it out, researching, writing and rewriting.

I started researching it last night and when I started writing about my struggle with depression this morning. But, as I was writing, I realized that I am being much more critical of what I write than if I were to just pour it all out here, so maybe this isn’t my topic for a book. I don’t know yet, but I want the world to know that depression is not the stereotypical person you see on a TV show. I am going to try and do this in parts because my journey, what I have learned about it, what it’s really like–it’s a lot to take in, a lot to get out, and it’s not something you can sum up into 1,000 words or less.

I am more of a word vomit person than an edit, plan, and execute. I want it to be raw and real and I worry that if I make it a book, I won’t finish it or get the right message across. But, I also worry that if I do blog posts no one will want to read through all of them and I really want to make depression less of a stigma–I want it to be real and less alien to everyone.

I guess now is when I go back to my roots–pray for guidance and that whatever I am meant to share comes out, no matter where I share it.