Inadequate to Myself.

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I have to stop comparing.

I see people building businesses, going to school–following dreams and I feel like I need to do more.

But in reality, I am running on fuses most days, until I cuddle up next to my best friend every night.

Dealing with fleas, kids that hide homework, working odd jobs, and even though I can’t keep up, I feel as though it’s not enough and I need to try and do more.

Realizing that I am prioritizing what I need to. I quit my job in December because I was giving my all to work and had nothing to offer the boys or my marriage. I am doing what I need to to be home and suck up all the time I can with them–to keep them safe and fed.

It’s not what I had planned or where I thought I’d be, but I wouldn’t trade it.

Overthinkers Unite! Mental dump.

I’ve worked Friday and Saturday night through the morning… so, Friday night I started at 10:30pm and left Saturday morning at 6:30am. I went back at 9:30pm Saturday night and left Sunday morning at 5:30am. I just got home from working 4.5 hours. 

But, back to why I was goi to write this… so, Saturday night, working in silence,  brain began to wander around.

It started because I was outside smoking–yeah, go ahead and judge, I haven’t quit yet–and when it’s early in the morning, pitch black, and no one else around, well my brain turns to crime shows. If I were to die today, would I be ready–would I have said everything I needed to?

From that came the following thoughts–and they are as deep as they were last night because I am tired and ready to just get this out of my head and be done with it all for now, while I decide what to do…

So, first thought–I left a job last year because I couldn’t handle the environment. One girl always had something to say about everything, usually negative, and a friend of mine would always get dragged into teasing me too. It resulted in all my energy gone, home after work crying, and not able to enjoy my time with my kiddos. So, I quit. I loved the job, but couldn’t do it emotionally. Well, fast forward and that girl left–I reapplied when my new job fell apart and didn’t get rehired, after they said I could always come back. I took it personally, but did a lot of the f#%* them attitude and eventually found a different job and accepted it because they were willing to let me start right away. I also got to pick my hours. 😜

Any way–so, when I worked with the negative girl, we got called into the office a lot and because of things (for the most part) I was not involved in at all. It hurt and I was not willing to be treated that way. 

I have thought about writing them a letter telling them how much I enjoyed the work, to congratulate them on their growth (business wise), and to thank them for my time there, while also explaining that this girl ruined my time there–but, would it really be worth it? What good would it do? They didn’t fight for me while I was there and I feel like I would be seeking validation that I am awesome and I am trying to have a f#** you I am awesome no matter what you think attitude. Writing them a letter, I feel like would be I would be handing them my heart and saying I need you to want me there–I don’t need them to. I just need to be okay with me. I have a new job I enjoy and I am decent at and I get to see my kids. I haven’t cried there once.

Another thing I thought of–I’ve been having issues with my family lately and holding onto these things and I think I finally figured out why. It’s not them, it’s the way I have approached the situation. The situation doesn’t really matter, but I got butt hurt because of my mom and sister and tried to cut off basically all communication because my husband and I felt like, once again, no one really gave a shit about us. We were just a buoy along for the ride, wherever they went. Well, we had a mental F that and did our own thing. 

When we moved here, I tried to repair the relationship with my sister, didn’t work. We didn’t ever see them and living with them, with our three kids, didn’t work. They went their way and we went ours. Didn’t see them until my mom moved out here. 

Here we are still and they’ve all moved away–again. Then we get asked to move and although I would love to move closer to my sister and have my kids cousins closer–I don’t want to. We have started to establish a life here–after 3.5 years. I’ve actually thought about returning to my hometown because no one would come see us–told spite, but I am allowed to think these things. 

But see, my hurt comes from the fact that I don’t feel the same love–and never have–from them and I got from my little sister. I have tried to build relationships with my sisters since my little sister passed, because I miss that kind of relationship, but it hasn’t worked. It won’t work. They aren’t her and they never will be. She and I went through so much, while my sister went through their stuff together.

She was the one that sat on my lap and told me that she and God still loved me, even when my insecure 16 year old ass told some nude pictures and sent them to random guys because I wasn’t okay with me. I was not okay with the fact that my sisters dated a dozen guys (each) in two years, had tons of guy friend and I couldn’t even get one to be my friend. My dad told me I looked like a boy. I was too skinny for my sister, hit puberty and was getting “too fat” for my mom. It wasn’t until I got sick with my oldest and lost 60+ lbs that I was told I looked good… yeah. Sorry, side tracked.

But, she was there for everything. I had zero secrets from her. And me trying to make a relationship like that happen with them-it’s not gonna. My sisters are their own person and I won’t ever connect with them in that same way.

So, for now–we’ll be here. Away from family, as usual. And we’ll go see them when we can–which is hardly ever, as it costs upwards of $2-3k to fly 5 people almost anywhere. 

I don’t know… just a lot goes on in my head late at night-or when it’s quiet and I am alone.

I am sure there’s more, but for now, there’s my brain. My inner most thoughts. 

And now it’s time for a beer, ice cream, shower, and sleep. Maybe even some Posh pampering. 😜