Ok not to be Ok.

A long time ago I had a dear friend tell me that I could help people with all the sh*t I had been through. I laughed her off at the time, but now–looking back, some days I feel like all the sh*t I went through might need to be put to good use, so something good actually comes out of it.

I’ve been working the last couple years on getting my mental health under control and part of that is now tackling topics I didn’t want to deal with and couldn’t deal with a long time ago.

We bought our first house and moved in last month. So we’ve been unpacking some stuff. Today I was unpacking a box that had my mom’s scrapbook of my little sister’s life–today was an exhausting day in itself, but this was kind of the cherry on top.

The last few months I’ve been using “I am 30… do it/change it/etc…” to get myself to start making the changes I need to. Like, my life could be halfway or a third of the way (or somewhere in between) over and I am finding areas where I have pain or I am not happy with something. I don’t want to live like that any more. So, I’ve been working on making changes.

After my sister passed, I push a lot of stuff down and did a lot of faking because people don’t know how to handle grief. It’s ugly and messy and awkward. After one too many comments, I stuffed it all down for a while–people who hurt me, lied to me, etc. I tried my best to ignore it and I couldn’t bring myself to tell them how it felt or what it sounded like. I had lost my two best friends–there’s no manual on how to deal with that.

May be an image of 2 people and text that says 'Don t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yoursel By trying to please everyone.'

But–I am 30. Not thirty, flirty, and thriving. But, I am 30, tired, and done faking. I’ve told myself this a lot, but Demi Lovato’s song has basically been my theme song since it came out it’s Ok not to be Ok. My mental health is improving. I have more good days than bad now. But, it’s 100% okay to not be okay–whether it’s with something someone said or did. It’s okay to just be tired and unable to do anything.

As I am finally realizing that being me is best for me and my family, I am letting go of a lot of things and trying to be the big kid now and address other things that kind of “haunt me”. It’s not fun–whoever said adulting was–nope. lol.

The irony of this was I originally found a post saying to write a book about something that pisses you off, well, I figured I’d write one about all the things that happen after an accident that people shouldn’t do. But, I actually stopped halfway through this post and sent a few messages.

One to a friend who meant good, but I didn’t understand it at the time.

One to a friend who told me “an accident is called an accident for a reason because that’s what it was–an accident”. Reminding me, many times, that I didn’t want them to die. I didn’t purposefully cause it. But, those words have always stuck with me–14 years later and those words help push me through the grief. Yes, 14 years later, you still grieve–and sometimes it hurts just as bad as that day.

And the last one… the one that probably took everything in my soul to do. One that I’ve wanted to send for a really long time and finally did. I messaged my friend’s mom. When my friend passed, his friends blamed me. I remember MySpace (yeah–those days) being plastered with comments about how horrible of a person I was. Rumors of me being on drugs, speeding, or alcohol. Anything that put guilt on me. I was the driver. At the time, I figured anyone who could blame me didn’t know me or love me. I’ve grown to understand why people needed to do this though–when something bad happens, we try our best to make sense. Sometimes that’s putting the blame on someone–during that time, it was me. But, my friend’s mom–the night of the accident, she hugged me, never blamed me, and was more forgiving towards me that I could be myself. Unfortunately, because his friends were not, at 16 years old, I walked out of his funeral. I remember going to the movie theater with a friend and her family and just crying in the darkness.

It’s funny cause I started this thinking I’ll do what that post said and write a chapter at a time–but, it’s more like, I’ll heal one post at a time.

Yeah–30 years old, 14 years later–still healing. It never stops, my friends. Always healing, always changing, always learning, always growing. We never stop.

The Story Begins

I started my first day on Thrive today. I am not sure what I think about it yet. The caffeine pills that you start with seem to be a little too strong for me. I have managed to wean myself off caffeine due to gall bladder issues that are caused by PCOS, so I am really unsure about taking them. I got the jitters a lot. I couldn’t make it more than three hours after breakfast this morning before needing to eat lunch and about five hours after that I had to eat dinner, so it’s going to be a challenge with the schedule I keep three days a week for work.

The upside to it though is that I got what could be one chapter written for my story. But, now my brain is running wild. My struggle with depression sort of starts back when I was 13 and struggled with self harming, but I wasn’t really depressed back then. I was just overwhelmed with feeling so much and feeling like I had no control over my life. So much happened so quickly I didn’t even have time to process and we didn’t talk about much growing up. So, now I don’t know if I should write my book in parts–self-harming, what I’ve learned about PCOS (depression, anxiety, gall bladder/grease issues, etc.), depression while pregnant and PPD. There’s so much I want to share and I feel like it would be easier to get it out there if it was in a book that people could recommend or actually put in someone’s hand rather than a blog. But, I am unsure, as usual.

I joined a few groups on how to write a book and I am hoping that over the next few weeks I can get a clear picture of what I want and how to tell my story because I really want to. I have so much in my heart and head that I just want out there. Things I want to say and share–healing that I know needs to happen. Writing it all out has been therapeutic. I helped me so much to know that I wasn’t alone when I was going through my struggles–I just want to do the same for others.

I was talking to a friend today and realized that part of me still wants to write a sort of f*ck you book about things you don’t say or do to people who are grieving. When I lost my sister I heard things and had things done that I don’t think I have actually forgive. I am not sure that it needs to be a book, but I am definitely thinking that a post is in order.

If I didn’t have to get up for the day job tomorrow, I could sit in this silence and try to let it all flow out of my mind and onto this screen. But, alas I must adult. Bills to pay and children to raise. 

Until tomorrow when I bear my soul again…