10 years.

Image may contain: text10 years too long. Deep breath.

10 years ago, my sister, my best friend, and I were heading home from church. We were in a car accident that–well, pretty much killed my sister instantly. She was on life support for a day until they ruled that she had absolutely no brain activity. My best friend was put into a coma. About a year after the accident, he started showing signs of improvement. But, nonetheless, passed away a month later.

It’s been 10 years…

10 years ago, I didn’t think I would be able to make it one day without them. I could barely breathe, didn’t want to be around anyone, and couldn’t understand the why.

Today–today I am stuck between being proud that I am still alive and ashamed that I’ve made it 10 years. It has not been an easy 10 years and there many times I thought it would just be easier to be done with life. I hate myself some days because I don’t feel like I should be able to live without my two best friends. If you love people as much as you say you do or think you do, how does it not kill you to keep living without them?!

Some days I am fighting to live for them. Their lives were cut short and I feel like I have to make up for them not being here. Other days… other days I can barely pull myself out of bed and I still wonder why I wasn’t taken and they were. I always feel like they contributed so much more to life and to blessing so many people.

I find myself angry some days and ready to yell at my kids because they did something they shouldn’t have and I think what a waste of life I am… I know my kiddos wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made it. But, this isn’t the life I saw myself leading. This is not the difference that I wanted to make–most of the time I don’t feel like I am making much of any.

Truth be told.. I feel like my sister would’ve had an easier time trying to reconnect with family too.

But, for some crazy reason… she’s not here and I am. So, I’ll put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and try to keep living. I’ll tell myself to breathe through the panic and anxiety attacks. I’ll fight the anger inside me and try to love my kiddos even more.

On the days I want to give up the most, those are the days I have to fight the hardest… for those I lost and those I’ve gained.

10 years.

10 years still blows.

10 years too long. Deep breath.

10 years ago, my sister, my best friend, and I were heading home from church. We were in a car accident that–well, pretty much killed my sister instantly. She was on life support for a day until they ruled that she had absolutely no brain activity. My best friend was put into a coma. About a year after the accident, he started showing signs of improvement. But, nonetheless, passed away a month later.

It’s been 10 years…

10 years ago, I didn’t think I would be able to make it one day without them. I could barely breathe, didn’t want to be around anyone, and couldn’t understand the why.

Today–today I am stuck between being proud that I am still alive and ashamed that I’ve made it 10 years. It has not been an easy 10 years and there many times I thought it would just be easier to be done with life. I hate myself some days because I don’t feel like I should be able to live without my two best friends. If you love people as much as you say you do or think you do, how does it not kill you to keep living without them?!

Some days I am fighting to live for them. Their lives were cut short and I feel like I have to make up for them not being here. Other days… other days I can barely pull myself out of bed and I still wonder why I wasn’t taken and they were. I always feel like they contributed so much more to life and to blessing so many people.

I find myself angry some days and ready to yell at my kids because they did something they shouldn’t have and I think what a waste of life I am… I know my kiddos wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made it. But, this isn’t the life I saw myself leading. This is not the difference that I wanted to make–most of the time I don’t feel like I am making much of any.

Truth be told.. I feel like my sister would’ve had an easier time trying to reconnect with family too.

But, for some crazy reason… she’s not here and I am. So, I’ll put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and try to keep living. I’ll tell myself to breathe through the panic and anxiety attacks. I’ll fight the anger inside me and try to love my kiddos even more.

On the days I want to give up the most, those are the days I have to fight the hardest… for those I lost and those I’ve gained.

10 years.

10 years still blows.

10 years too long. Deep breath.

10 years ago, my sister, my best friend, and I were heading home from church. We were in a car accident that–well, pretty much killed my sister instantly. She was on life support for a day until they ruled that she had absolutely no brain activity. My best friend was put into a coma. About a year after the accident, he started showing signs of improvement. But, nonetheless, passed away a month later.

It’s been 10 years…

10 years ago, I didn’t think I would be able to make it one day without them. I could barely breathe, didn’t want to be around anyone, and couldn’t understand the why.

Today–today I am stuck between being proud that I am still alive and ashamed that I’ve made it 10 years. It has not been an easy 10 years and there many times I thought it would just be easier to be done with life. I hate myself some days because I don’t feel like I should be able to live without my two best friends. If you love people as much as you say you do or think you do, how does it not kill you to keep living without them?!

Some days I am fighting to live for them. Their lives were cut short and I feel like I have to make up for them not being here. Other days… other days I can barely pull myself out of bed and I still wonder why I wasn’t taken and they were. I always feel like they contributed so much more to life and to blessing so many people.

I find myself angry some days and ready to yell at my kids because they did something they shouldn’t have and I think what a waste of life I am… I know my kiddos wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made it. But, this isn’t the life I saw myself leading. This is not the difference that I wanted to make–most of the time I don’t feel like I am making much of any.

Truth be told.. I feel like my sister would’ve had an easier time trying to reconnect with family too.

But, for some crazy reason… she’s not here and I am. So, I’ll put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and try to keep living. I’ll tell myself to breathe through the panic and anxiety attacks. I’ll fight the anger inside me and try to love my kiddos even more.

On the days I want to give up the most, those are the days I have to fight the hardest… for those I lost and those I’ve gained.

10 years.

10 years still blows.

I am the Mom They DIDN’T warn you about.

I wrote a really long post yesterday and ended up trashing it becausa6936164ac15aabd951acd5bc29a36e8-300x210e I couldn’t get the words right. And I am not sure I will this time either. But, I am gonna put this out there any way.

So, here it is… we all have those people on Facebook who tell us what a great parent we are, but do they truly know? They are hundreds, if not thousands of miles away and judge us by what appears on Facebook. Continue reading “I am the Mom They DIDN’T warn you about.”