Infested Feelings

I feel like the world’s grossest person right now.

Our house isn’t perfect, but we’re not hoarder status any more–even when we had our room that was hoarder status, we never had problems with so many pests.

We had an ant problem when we moved in the first week, dealt with it and now they are back. Plus, we’re 99.99% sure we have fleas and we don’t have pets!

How does that even happen!?

Thanks to the minis for unpacking their lunch containers in their room, leaving breakfast sausage (from who knows when), and misc other food items all over their room, we have ants in their room again. Said ants have now begun migrating to the living room, as I saw a few the other day on the coffee table in the living room.

We’re not gross people. I am not saying our house looks like a magazine or that we could have company drop by at any time and it not look like we’re fighting to stay on top of stuff, but come on…

I don’t understand it. I am dreaming of an igloo for a home right about now.

I feel like that cartoon character, where they’ve reached their limit and something bad is about to happen… “Mommy…”

Happy weekend, folks.

Image result for "mother" cartoon roadrunner

10 years.

Image may contain: text10 years too long. Deep breath.

10 years ago, my sister, my best friend, and I were heading home from church. We were in a car accident that–well, pretty much killed my sister instantly. She was on life support for a day until they ruled that she had absolutely no brain activity. My best friend was put into a coma. About a year after the accident, he started showing signs of improvement. But, nonetheless, passed away a month later.

It’s been 10 years…

10 years ago, I didn’t think I would be able to make it one day without them. I could barely breathe, didn’t want to be around anyone, and couldn’t understand the why.

Today–today I am stuck between being proud that I am still alive and ashamed that I’ve made it 10 years. It has not been an easy 10 years and there many times I thought it would just be easier to be done with life. I hate myself some days because I don’t feel like I should be able to live without my two best friends. If you love people as much as you say you do or think you do, how does it not kill you to keep living without them?!

Some days I am fighting to live for them. Their lives were cut short and I feel like I have to make up for them not being here. Other days… other days I can barely pull myself out of bed and I still wonder why I wasn’t taken and they were. I always feel like they contributed so much more to life and to blessing so many people.

I find myself angry some days and ready to yell at my kids because they did something they shouldn’t have and I think what a waste of life I am… I know my kiddos wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made it. But, this isn’t the life I saw myself leading. This is not the difference that I wanted to make–most of the time I don’t feel like I am making much of any.

Truth be told.. I feel like my sister would’ve had an easier time trying to reconnect with family too.

But, for some crazy reason… she’s not here and I am. So, I’ll put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and try to keep living. I’ll tell myself to breathe through the panic and anxiety attacks. I’ll fight the anger inside me and try to love my kiddos even more.

On the days I want to give up the most, those are the days I have to fight the hardest… for those I lost and those I’ve gained.

10 years.

10 years still blows.

10 years too long. Deep breath.

10 years ago, my sister, my best friend, and I were heading home from church. We were in a car accident that–well, pretty much killed my sister instantly. She was on life support for a day until they ruled that she had absolutely no brain activity. My best friend was put into a coma. About a year after the accident, he started showing signs of improvement. But, nonetheless, passed away a month later.

It’s been 10 years…

10 years ago, I didn’t think I would be able to make it one day without them. I could barely breathe, didn’t want to be around anyone, and couldn’t understand the why.

Today–today I am stuck between being proud that I am still alive and ashamed that I’ve made it 10 years. It has not been an easy 10 years and there many times I thought it would just be easier to be done with life. I hate myself some days because I don’t feel like I should be able to live without my two best friends. If you love people as much as you say you do or think you do, how does it not kill you to keep living without them?!

Some days I am fighting to live for them. Their lives were cut short and I feel like I have to make up for them not being here. Other days… other days I can barely pull myself out of bed and I still wonder why I wasn’t taken and they were. I always feel like they contributed so much more to life and to blessing so many people.

I find myself angry some days and ready to yell at my kids because they did something they shouldn’t have and I think what a waste of life I am… I know my kiddos wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made it. But, this isn’t the life I saw myself leading. This is not the difference that I wanted to make–most of the time I don’t feel like I am making much of any.

Truth be told.. I feel like my sister would’ve had an easier time trying to reconnect with family too.

But, for some crazy reason… she’s not here and I am. So, I’ll put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and try to keep living. I’ll tell myself to breathe through the panic and anxiety attacks. I’ll fight the anger inside me and try to love my kiddos even more.

On the days I want to give up the most, those are the days I have to fight the hardest… for those I lost and those I’ve gained.

10 years.

10 years still blows.

10 years too long. Deep breath.

10 years ago, my sister, my best friend, and I were heading home from church. We were in a car accident that–well, pretty much killed my sister instantly. She was on life support for a day until they ruled that she had absolutely no brain activity. My best friend was put into a coma. About a year after the accident, he started showing signs of improvement. But, nonetheless, passed away a month later.

It’s been 10 years…

10 years ago, I didn’t think I would be able to make it one day without them. I could barely breathe, didn’t want to be around anyone, and couldn’t understand the why.

Today–today I am stuck between being proud that I am still alive and ashamed that I’ve made it 10 years. It has not been an easy 10 years and there many times I thought it would just be easier to be done with life. I hate myself some days because I don’t feel like I should be able to live without my two best friends. If you love people as much as you say you do or think you do, how does it not kill you to keep living without them?!

Some days I am fighting to live for them. Their lives were cut short and I feel like I have to make up for them not being here. Other days… other days I can barely pull myself out of bed and I still wonder why I wasn’t taken and they were. I always feel like they contributed so much more to life and to blessing so many people.

I find myself angry some days and ready to yell at my kids because they did something they shouldn’t have and I think what a waste of life I am… I know my kiddos wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made it. But, this isn’t the life I saw myself leading. This is not the difference that I wanted to make–most of the time I don’t feel like I am making much of any.

Truth be told.. I feel like my sister would’ve had an easier time trying to reconnect with family too.

But, for some crazy reason… she’s not here and I am. So, I’ll put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and try to keep living. I’ll tell myself to breathe through the panic and anxiety attacks. I’ll fight the anger inside me and try to love my kiddos even more.

On the days I want to give up the most, those are the days I have to fight the hardest… for those I lost and those I’ve gained.

10 years.

10 years still blows.