The Unknown News

favre queenLet it be your fair warning–this is going to be a dramatic post because it all needs to come out so that I can move on & be okay again.

Went to the OB office again today, had to get my Paragard in (which I always thought was ParaGuard, not quit sure why). Well, before my doc would put it in, he began telling me about the procedure, asked if I had any questions, & then came the news that I really didn’t need at that moment…

…So, Dr. “Blank” wanted to redo your PAP smear, ¬†looks like you have an appointment schedule on *bleep* at blah o’clock. It looks like your first PAP smear was low grade abnormal, then you didn’t come back to have it check, and then this last one was high grade abnormal…

It seriously got worse after I had my child!? Ugh… The one I had during my pregnancy was done & it was abnormal, after which the doctor that did that one told me that it would probably go away itself & so many percentage of cases go away on their own in 3 years… She didn’t tell me it could get worse! I mean, I am so thankful that our newest bundle of joy is health but, WTH does high grade abnormal mean?!

All I have been able to find on Google is that it could lead to cervical cancer if it’s not watched or treated–so, I get why my doc wants to redo it. But, how did it get worse?! I’ve been taking better care of myself, I quit smoking–WTFing bloody hell did I do to make it get worse?!

I don’t even know what the procedure is going to do to me–I might have to have a cone shaped piece of my cervix taken out, after I possibly have more biopsies. Why can’t it all just be better?!

I am sure it’s all going to be fine. I know this is another thing that God has in his hands but, it’s definitely still nerve wrecking since it only got worse. 3 weeks, if I wait that long, & we will have another appointment–4 weeks & (hopefully) we will have more results. Ugh… Why must things like this exist?

I just want this BS to be over! I am scared s***less! Could this get worse? Could it turn into cervical cancer & spread before they get it taken care of? Could it end up killing me & leaving my kids to grow up without a mother? Could it leave my husband without a woman to take care of him the way I do? Would he get remarried? I would want him to be happy but, I am selfish & don’t want him with anyone else! Could this change any plans we have of possibly have more kids in the future? What is this going to do to my kids? What is this going to do to my husband? WTF is it going to do to me?!

Please don’t pity me. I know it will all work out. I just need to get this out. My husband is sitting at his computer, enjoying his quiet evening, the boys are all snuggled into bed, & although I could call my mom & vent my every frustration to, when I talk to my mom, I blubber, little a child who broke their favorite toy. My “sub-conscious” telling me that it will all be okay while my inner self & heart–my conscious running through all the things that could possibly go wrong or worst things that could happen–or at least what I think are the worst things. I wasn’t worried about it too much the first time I got an abnormal PAP, the second time… My husband was worried. So, after he “messed up” (in my book), I ended up having my first colposcopy. Two colposcopies & three PAP smears later… We’re nowhere closer to know what’s going on. I hate the unknown… I REALLY hate the unknown.





My apologies to you lovely readers–

I have been trying to consolidate all the different blogs I’ve had over the years & I finally found an article on how to do just that, well, little did I know that one of my articles from another blog featured a picture that WordPress did not allow, therefore, I got deactivated & it took a good 12 hours to get a response. I was definitely not a happy camper to have been deactivated without a reason why however, once they gave me a reason this morning, I could understand their reasoning, although it was a picture from a website going against what the website was so, I was using it in a completely different context. Oh well, it’s all fixed & we’re back up & running.

Sadly, now that the blog is finally active again, it’s time to get me some breakfast, the older to minions some lunch, Z to sleep, & the house tidied up & everyone dressed as R is going to be home for me to take him back to work because we have to go back into the doc (OB) & I have to get the ParaGuard in & possibly have another colposcopy because my biospy was normal & my PAP smear was abnormal–3 abnormal PAP smears in less than a year & a half & 3 colposcopies in a year–or has it been less than a year. I am not quite sure honestly, I have lost track of everything they have wanted to do.

126editedThe weather has managed to cool down the last couple of days–started cooling down Saturday & of course, Sunday was the day that I managed to get the pool out & setup for the boys so, now they have a pool setup & full of some water but, it’s too cold to play in. It’s one of those “wash your car & it rains the next day” kind of things. Guess I’ll just have to learn to start doing things at the spur of the moment instead of waiting so long.

Definitely a day for a nap–I meant to get one yesterday but, I got so wrapped up in little Z & trying to get stuff downsized & cleaned up. Today, I shall clean while the boys eat & then I shall nap while the boys nap–speaking of naps, I think Ander is going to need an extra long one today. Sadly, he’ll have an extra short one because I have to be to the doctor’s before his nap is usually over.

Have you ever posted anything that you got “deactivated” for? What are your plans for today? Ever need a little nap? Have you ever gotten distracted or so wrapped up in something that you forgot to do something else?