The Unknown News

favre queenLet it be your fair warning–this is going to be a dramatic post because it all needs to come out so that I can move on & be okay again.

Went to the OB office again today, had to get my Paragard in (which I always thought was ParaGuard, not quit sure why). Well, before my doc would put it in, he began telling me about the procedure, asked if I had any questions, & then came the news that I really didn’t need at that moment…

…So, Dr. “Blank” wanted to redo your PAP smear, ¬†looks like you have an appointment schedule on *bleep* at blah o’clock. It looks like your first PAP smear was low grade abnormal, then you didn’t come back to have it check, and then this last one was high grade abnormal…

It seriously got worse after I had my child!? Ugh… The one I had during my pregnancy was done & it was abnormal, after which the doctor that did that one told me that it would probably go away itself & so many percentage of cases go away on their own in 3 years… She didn’t tell me it could get worse! I mean, I am so thankful that our newest bundle of joy is health but, WTH does high grade abnormal mean?!

All I have been able to find on Google is that it could lead to cervical cancer if it’s not watched or treated–so, I get why my doc wants to redo it. But, how did it get worse?! I’ve been taking better care of myself, I quit smoking–WTFing bloody hell did I do to make it get worse?!

I don’t even know what the procedure is going to do to me–I might have to have a cone shaped piece of my cervix taken out, after I possibly have more biopsies. Why can’t it all just be better?!

I am sure it’s all going to be fine. I know this is another thing that God has in his hands but, it’s definitely still nerve wrecking since it only got worse. 3 weeks, if I wait that long, & we will have another appointment–4 weeks & (hopefully) we will have more results. Ugh… Why must things like this exist?

I just want this BS to be over! I am scared s***less! Could this get worse? Could it turn into cervical cancer & spread before they get it taken care of? Could it end up killing me & leaving my kids to grow up without a mother? Could it leave my husband without a woman to take care of him the way I do? Would he get remarried? I would want him to be happy but, I am selfish & don’t want him with anyone else! Could this change any plans we have of possibly have more kids in the future? What is this going to do to my kids? What is this going to do to my husband? WTF is it going to do to me?!

Please don’t pity me. I know it will all work out. I just need to get this out. My husband is sitting at his computer, enjoying his quiet evening, the boys are all snuggled into bed, & although I could call my mom & vent my every frustration to, when I talk to my mom, I blubber, little a child who broke their favorite toy. My “sub-conscious” telling me that it will all be okay while my inner self & heart–my conscious running through all the things that could possibly go wrong or worst things that could happen–or at least what I think are the worst things. I wasn’t worried about it too much the first time I got an abnormal PAP, the second time… My husband was worried. So, after he “messed up” (in my book), I ended up having my first colposcopy. Two colposcopies & three PAP smears later… We’re nowhere closer to know what’s going on. I hate the unknown… I REALLY hate the unknown.




I know you don’t have an easy job. I applauded you! You’re doing great so far! I can’t say much, but just know that you are doing amazing! You’re always in ten different places like Superwoman. You do what you can for your kids. You work long hours and still come home and do a million things. I know we all have days when we just have to tell ourselves that “I Will Survive” and when you reach the end of the day, may yourself a note that reads: “I’m a Survivor” to remind yourself that the day might have been hard, but you made it. If nothing else, take a moment and just tell yourself “Hakuna Matata” and take a day for yourself and your kids.

Men know what we’re talking about if they have ever been laid off and had to been Mr. Mom for a while. But, until they have a day in your shoes, they might not understand it. Maybe it’s your Daughter who doesn’t get it until she has a kid herself and then she’s calling you, crying and saying “In My Daughter’s Eyes, I am the enemy” or “I don’t know what to do”.

Time seems to go by so slow when you’re stuck in a tough situtation. But, when you look back at it in 17 years, it’s gonna have gone by so fast. So, remember, the time will be over before you know it and You’re Gonna Miss This time in several years.

On those days when you feel like you’ve messed up beyond belief, just remember every morning you can tell yourself that A New Day Has Come and you have an opportunity to start over fresh. So, just take one day at a time. Remind yourself “I Am Woman“. We all make mistakes and can have their moments when they are a Bitch but, just remember that we all have a wish for our kids, ¬†just let them know what it is. Be honest with them, just tell them straight up, “My Wish for you is….”

I know there are days when I can’t do it any more. But, there are also days when I Could Not Ask for More when I am with my son. I love the days when he’s calm and we can just have fun. I can turn on some music and just Dance. I know at the end of the day, I remember that I am more than Blessed. And I know that no matter how old he gets, he will Always Be My Baby.

We may not be the perfect moms, but there are definitely some days when we could deserve a ribbon, so make yourself a Halo for all the good days you have.

I Told You So is a common phrase that often comes between parenthood and kids. But, the best think to remember is that You Gotta Be completely honest and will to make relationships work. I know I’ve been very lunch to have a Mom who has been there for everything. And trust me, some days you ask how did I survive this or How Do I Live like this. Remember all moms, we are all a Fighter at some point in time. We all make it through the toughest of times and I am sure we all wonder where that Sweet Child O’ Mine went, but teenage years will come (I know I was a pain) and the twenties will come and you will have them out of the rebel stage. And we’ll all make it. Just remember to tell yourself, “I’m Every Woman” because we all have times when we wanna rip our hair out, off days, and just times when we need someone there for us. So, call a mom. Take a breathe. But, most importantly….

Keep your chin up gorgeous, they would kill to see you fall.

We would all love to see our parents mess up and rub it in the faces. But, in the end, we do love them. So, thanks Mom! I hope I can be as good as a mom as you have been for me!