It’s time to end the stigma associate with mental health…

Four months ago I set out to make one of my #futuregoals come true. Can’t make your dreams/plans come true if you don’t put in the work, right?

Well, it ended up being counter-productive and until this last week when talking with my sisters and the following conversation took place…

“…Sometimes it’s difficult to encounter my 18-year-old self without groaning.”

“We ALL feel the same way about our 18-year-old selves; it’s why I burned all of my journals from that time. “

This seems to have really hit home. Four months ago I had this drive, this passion to push myself to make something happen–I wanted to make something positive come from this insanity that has been playing like a game of pinball for more than 15 years. But, I pushed myself too hard and I burnt myself out.

8 pages, 3097 words about my struggles with depression since I was 13 years old… I am not who that girl was. I don’t like who that girl was. And I am starting to understand why some people hiring people to write their biographies. Trying to write a story about how your struggles began and what you went through–I give the motivational speakers props…

I wear my heart on my sleeves and putting to paper everything that I haven’t fully faced since I was 13…

I starting seeing a therapist last month–being on anxiety meds after getting rear-ended and anti-depressants since last year… my doc thought it would be a good idea.

My therapist said something to be that really stuck–cause no one else has every said this to me…

And to be honest, I usually have people tell me this and I brush it off. “Yeah, I’ve been through stuff, but it could’ve been worse.”

My counselor told me that doing this kind of takes away from the story. So, now I pass it to you—it’s okay to admit that stuff in life has sucked—that it hurt—that you’ve been through a lot.

I am not sure if trying to write that book was a good idea–or if it’s just too raw still. Maybe I’ll never finish it. I honestly don’t know.

I do know that I am here for those who need someone to talk to about depression, anxiety, symptoms–a listening ear. If you need help finding help, I am 100% here for you.

I am not 100% back to me. But I am getting there. I have more good day than bad.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. It can happen to the best of us.

I had just gotten a promotion, pregnant with my 4th baby, married to an amazing man–living a good life–when I hit rock bottom since I was 13 years old. It can happen to any of us. Ask for help. You have more people in your corner than you realize.

The Story Begins

I started my first day on Thrive today. I am not sure what I think about it yet. The caffeine pills that you start with seem to be a little too strong for me. I have managed to wean myself off caffeine due to gall bladder issues that are caused by PCOS, so I am really unsure about taking them. I got the jitters a lot. I couldn’t make it more than three hours after breakfast this morning before needing to eat lunch and about five hours after that I had to eat dinner, so it’s going to be a challenge with the schedule I keep three days a week for work.

The upside to it though is that I got what could be one chapter written for my story. But, now my brain is running wild. My struggle with depression sort of starts back when I was 13 and struggled with self harming, but I wasn’t really depressed back then. I was just overwhelmed with feeling so much and feeling like I had no control over my life. So much happened so quickly I didn’t even have time to process and we didn’t talk about much growing up. So, now I don’t know if I should write my book in parts–self-harming, what I’ve learned about PCOS (depression, anxiety, gall bladder/grease issues, etc.), depression while pregnant and PPD. There’s so much I want to share and I feel like it would be easier to get it out there if it was in a book that people could recommend or actually put in someone’s hand rather than a blog. But, I am unsure, as usual.

I joined a few groups on how to write a book and I am hoping that over the next few weeks I can get a clear picture of what I want and how to tell my story because I really want to. I have so much in my heart and head that I just want out there. Things I want to say and share–healing that I know needs to happen. Writing it all out has been therapeutic. I helped me so much to know that I wasn’t alone when I was going through my struggles–I just want to do the same for others.

I was talking to a friend today and realized that part of me still wants to write a sort of f*ck you book about things you don’t say or do to people who are grieving. When I lost my sister I heard things and had things done that I don’t think I have actually forgive. I am not sure that it needs to be a book, but I am definitely thinking that a post is in order.

If I didn’t have to get up for the day job tomorrow, I could sit in this silence and try to let it all flow out of my mind and onto this screen. But, alas I must adult. Bills to pay and children to raise. 

Until tomorrow when I bear my soul again…