Who I Am (Part 4)

Well, yesterday was “technically” the last day that I was supposed to be thinking about “who I am” but, I am moving it to today because yesterday was a crazy day.

Yesterday, it was my first MAJOR day off in a long time–extra hours with kiddos, forgetting my vitamins, etc.–it all just mounted up. Had stuff that needed to get done but, wasn’t so–yeah, long day everywhere. Made my sister’s plate break in the microwave–yeah, that kind of day.

Sadly, it lead to a lot of fighting & tension between hubby & I since he was having a “crack every cheesy joke everywhere” kind of day–let me tell ya, those two days don’t got together at all!

But, I feel like I did good–I was raised where we didn’t talk about anything that happened, ever really. We didn’t start to until my parents split so, things like knowing what being touched was–they were discovered by listening to the Christian radio station, Googling it, & then bawling because I realized it had happened to me as a kid–& had never told anyone about it because I didn’t know what IT was & like most people–I felt like I had done something wrong. Needless to say, it was years after the event and one of the hardest things to ever tell a parent–other than…

Oh mom, I lost my virginity & wasn’t going to tell you but, the guy & his ex girlfriend are going around telling everyone so, I am telling you so you don’t hear it from somewhere else.

Yeah–that happened. But, back to the originally point I was trying to get out–because we never talked about anything, we weren’t taught how to get things out so, I turned to what a few of my friends did–self-mutilation. At  the time, I thought it was solving everything. Someone hurt me, a little cut here and on with the day. But, it got worse–bigger, deeper, etc. –what had started out as what I thought was a simple, temporary solution & turned into an addiction. I got help for a few years and did good. But, talking has never been easy for me. I have always kept everything inside so, I joined mommy groups where I could get support & vent because his ex found & read through my whole entire OTHER blog when he & I had just started dating–she knew more than he did… but, hubby didn’t like the groups so, afterat we got married, I have been working on quitting. Took a long time but, after it turned into bash your hubby, instead of try this to help, I quit. Yesterday, I so wanted to go back Zito vent and bash away but, instead, I wrote an email to my family, erased a chunk of it so it wasn’t bashing my hubby and then sent it for help. Later, talked with the hubby and we agreed to start today new but, needing to talk about stuff and needing time to cool off and someone to vent to (hubby said he preferred my family instead of the groups)–that’s a part of me and always will be. May not be something people like but, I am definitely glad my hubby is willing to work with me and give me somewhere I can get it all out.

I may not be good at talking-especially with confrontational talking but, I am working on it & I need to talk so I keep up my healthy streak.

Who I Am (Part 3)

I first began writing/journaling when I was a child–my parents split when I was younger and at the time, I thought it was the end of the world. On Valentine’s Day–ironically enough– my mom came and picked me and my little sister up from school. We started our drive into town, as we went to school about 30 minutes out of town, unaware of what was about to unfold. We arrived at two story building, filled with offices and then made our way up the stairs to a quiet office in the corner–and the wait began. The minutes seemed like hours as we waited to see why my mom had brought us four girls to the office–it was her counselor’s office. He finally emerged–a tall man with charcoal hair that seemed to over take his height as it puffed up to the sky. He then lead us through a hallway and to the left with a sharp right turn into his office–there were huge windows that seemed to take over the whole room.

Once we had all made our way into the room, the counselor began explaining that he and mom had been talking and they had something they needed to share with us–my mom began to try and talk but, her eyes seemed to fill with tears in just seconds. She paused to regain control and the counselor just blurted it out–our parents were getting a divorce. It was our worst fear come to life.

My sister and I knew nothing about divorce at the time but, we did know that it meant our parents wouldn’t be together any more. In all honesty, at the time, we didn’t know that it would actually “fix” our family–many people believe that because you have a divorced family, you come from a “broken family”. But, ours isn’t–seeing how awesome we all turned out, with just my mom raising us, I get scared by what we could have become if my “sperm donor” had been around.

familygamenight.net

I have to admit that after my parents divorced and seeing my older two sisters divorce, I got the idea that divorce was just something that “happened”. It was a “common” thing. Horribly enough, I had started using it as a defense mechanism against my husband when we had huge fights–if I threaten to do it, he can’t slap me in the face with it. Sadly, I was only jinxing us into it. Thankfully, my mom has helped us both work through it–the last few years have been a nasty struggle on my end, just barely talking myself out of divorce because of our boys–my oldest has come to know him as daddy & he loves him–his “sperm donor” ducked out. As a result, of our boys, I haven’t done it–and I am thankful for that. I do love the guy, just not some of the things he does–but, who doesn’t have that issue? Needless to say, I didn’t know that kids kept parents from not divorcing so much. Especially with my older sister (3 kids) and my older sister (5 step-kids)–it’s nuts! Although, you don’t know the other factors that go into it–it’s crazy how much kids can impact our lives/decisions.

One of the biggest things (for me) is that fact that I’ve worked hard not to let the boys hear us fight–my mom always sent us on walks up to “the cliffs”–exactly what they were. It was a long bobcat trail that went up to some cliffs that went down a good 20 feet, if not more–I think–who knows, I am not very good at guesstimates.

 When we moved here, I heard my sister & her friend joking about calling the lawyer or “what are you going to do, divorce me?” but, it was all playful–almost did that with Ryan the other day but, because of what I have done, I know I have to watch ever bringing it up–especially because he is not either of their husband–his sense of humor, everything about him is different & that’s what I love about him. Just hard to love the parts that I am not a huge fan of but, something to start working on. Although I never thought it would have had that much of an impact on me–I have always been so determined that I wanted to be like my mom–I never really paid attention to how little I will put up with and then ending up (almost) sabotaging my marriage because I have no patience for what I feel is “stupidity” but, is simply different than I would like.

Now that we are here though, we have my sister & brother-in-law who have made it through a lot of stuff–against all odds they faced, they made it. After playing Madden with my husband the other night, I know we can do it too–we just need to have more family game nights/days and more date nights.