Who I Am (Part 4)

Well, yesterday was “technically” the last day that I was supposed to be thinking about “who I am” but, I am moving it to today because yesterday was a crazy day.

Yesterday, it was my first MAJOR day off in a long time–extra hours with kiddos, forgetting my vitamins, etc.–it all just mounted up. Had stuff that needed to get done but, wasn’t so–yeah, long day everywhere. Made my sister’s plate break in the microwave–yeah, that kind of day.

Sadly, it lead to a lot of fighting & tension between hubby & I since he was having a “crack every cheesy joke everywhere” kind of day–let me tell ya, those two days don’t got together at all!

But, I feel like I did good–I was raised where we didn’t talk about anything that happened, ever really. We didn’t start to until my parents split so, things like knowing what being touched was–they were discovered by listening to the Christian radio station, Googling it, & then bawling because I realized it had happened to me as a kid–& had never told anyone about it because I didn’t know what IT was & like most people–I felt like I had done something wrong. Needless to say, it was years after the event and one of the hardest things to ever tell a parent–other than…

Oh mom, I lost my virginity & wasn’t going to tell you but, the guy & his ex girlfriend are going around telling everyone so, I am telling you so you don’t hear it from somewhere else.

Yeah–that happened. But, back to the originally point I was trying to get out–because we never talked about anything, we weren’t taught how to get things out so, I turned to what a few of my friends did–self-mutilation. At  the time, I thought it was solving everything. Someone hurt me, a little cut here and on with the day. But, it got worse–bigger, deeper, etc. –what had started out as what I thought was a simple, temporary solution & turned into an addiction. I got help for a few years and did good. But, talking has never been easy for me. I have always kept everything inside so, I joined mommy groups where I could get support & vent because his ex found & read through my whole entire OTHER blog when he & I had just started dating–she knew more than he did… but, hubby didn’t like the groups so, afterat we got married, I have been working on quitting. Took a long time but, after it turned into bash your hubby, instead of try this to help, I quit. Yesterday, I so wanted to go back Zito vent and bash away but, instead, I wrote an email to my family, erased a chunk of it so it wasn’t bashing my hubby and then sent it for help. Later, talked with the hubby and we agreed to start today new but, needing to talk about stuff and needing time to cool off and someone to vent to (hubby said he preferred my family instead of the groups)–that’s a part of me and always will be. May not be something people like but, I am definitely glad my hubby is willing to work with me and give me somewhere I can get it all out.

I may not be good at talking-especially with confrontational talking but, I am working on it & I need to talk so I keep up my healthy streak.

Brain, you’re an energizer bunny…

I believe we all have those sleepless nights, or at least those nights when your mind doesn’t seem to want to turn off, well, here’s one of those nights. Those nights when you’re almost tired enough for bed, so you decided to give it a shot and get some sleep. But, as you’re lying there all you can thing about is, well, everything. Your brain just keeps going with all of these thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere, yet they have always been there. But, you’re spent that day being preoccupied with everything else.

Well, I was laying in bed, trying hard to go to sleep. But, it wasn’t working… I started texting people, but they stopped. So, I told myself it was time for bed. I began to lay there and when I felt like I could have almost gone to sleep everything began pounding on the door screaming in my head telling me that it just wasn’t going to happen to let me sleep tonight. So, I preceded to think. About what? Everything.

Quotes, life in general, the past, the present, and what I hope the future holds. My mind wandering aimlessly around. So, I began to texting a few of the things floating in my head to Facebook. Ironic, no? It’s like why not put in on Facebook? It’s like telling someone, saying let’s get this out, because I just don’t know who to call right now, so instead I’m just gonna tell the world… Strange? Retarded? I don’t know. I just needed it out.

Once I had done that, a friend replied. I texted back answers. And my phone began to ring in the middle of texting. So, I took the call, asked the question, and preceded to get back to texting. I finished and laid there in bed wishing for sleep to come. Thirty minutes in bed and not a droopy eyelid. Not one yawn. Nothing.

So, now here I sit, complaining about everything. Ha! To a website. You need to talk to someone, so why not the world. It’ll end up on Facebook because it seems everything is linked to it now. But, I don’t care. I just need to get what I am feeling out. But, what I am I feeling? I don’t even know…

I believe I am not sure what I am feeling. I believe I shall end this with an apology for how strange this blog is. I believe that I will play a game. Look at some pictures. And see if I can come up with what I am feeling, write it out in another blog, and go to bed… So, here’s to the beginning of finding out what I am feeling and hopefully… Why!