Four months ago I set out to make one of my #futuregoals come true. Can’t make your dreams/plans come true if you don’t put in the work, right?
Well, it ended up being counter-productive and until this last week when talking with my sisters and the following conversation took place…
“…Sometimes it’s difficult to encounter my 18-year-old self without groaning.”
“We ALL feel the same way about our 18-year-old selves; it’s why I burned all of my journals from that time. “
This seems to have really hit home. Four months ago I had this drive, this passion to push myself to make something happen–I wanted to make something positive come from this insanity that has been playing like a game of pinball for more than 15 years. But, I pushed myself too hard and I burnt myself out.
8 pages, 3097 words about my struggles with depression since I was 13 years old… I am not who that girl was. I don’t like who that girl was. And I am starting to understand why some people hiring people to write their biographies. Trying to write a story about how your struggles began and what you went through–I give the motivational speakers props…
I wear my heart on my sleeves and putting to paper everything that I haven’t fully faced since I was 13…
I starting seeing a therapist last month–being on anxiety meds after getting rear-ended and anti-depressants since last year… my doc thought it would be a good idea.
My therapist said something to be that really stuck–cause no one else has every said this to me…
And to be honest, I usually have people tell me this and I brush it off. “Yeah, I’ve been through stuff, but it could’ve been worse.”
My counselor told me that doing this kind of takes away from the story. So, now I pass it to you—it’s okay to admit that stuff in life has sucked—that it hurt—that you’ve been through a lot.
I am not sure if trying to write that book was a good idea–or if it’s just too raw still. Maybe I’ll never finish it. I honestly don’t know.
I do know that I am here for those who need someone to talk to about depression, anxiety, symptoms–a listening ear. If you need help finding help, I am 100% here for you.
I am not 100% back to me. But I am getting there. I have more good day than bad.
There is nothing to be ashamed of. It can happen to the best of us.
I had just gotten a promotion, pregnant with my 4th baby, married to an amazing man–living a good life–when I hit rock bottom since I was 13 years old. It can happen to any of us. Ask for help. You have more people in your corner than you realize.