Who I Am (Part 4)

Well, yesterday was “technically” the last day that I was supposed to be thinking about “who I am” but, I am moving it to today because yesterday was a crazy day.

Yesterday, it was my first MAJOR day off in a long time–extra hours with kiddos, forgetting my vitamins, etc.–it all just mounted up. Had stuff that needed to get done but, wasn’t so–yeah, long day everywhere. Made my sister’s plate break in the microwave–yeah, that kind of day.

Sadly, it lead to a lot of fighting & tension between hubby & I since he was having a “crack every cheesy joke everywhere” kind of day–let me tell ya, those two days don’t got together at all!

But, I feel like I did good–I was raised where we didn’t talk about anything that happened, ever really. We didn’t start to until my parents split so, things like knowing what being touched was–they were discovered by listening to the Christian radio station, Googling it, & then bawling because I realized it had happened to me as a kid–& had never told anyone about it because I didn’t know what IT was & like most people–I felt like I had done something wrong. Needless to say, it was years after the event and one of the hardest things to ever tell a parent–other than…

Oh mom, I lost my virginity & wasn’t going to tell you but, the guy & his ex girlfriend are going around telling everyone so, I am telling you so you don’t hear it from somewhere else.

Yeah–that happened. But, back to the originally point I was trying to get out–because we never talked about anything, we weren’t taught how to get things out so, I turned to what a few of my friends did–self-mutilation. At Β the time, I thought it was solving everything. Someone hurt me, a little cut here and on with the day. But, it got worse–bigger, deeper, etc. –what had started out as what I thought was a simple, temporary solution & turned into an addiction. I got help for a few years and did good. But, talking has never been easy for me. I have always kept everything inside so, I joined mommy groups where I could get support & vent because his ex found & read through my whole entire OTHER blog when he & I had just started dating–she knew more than he did… but, hubby didn’t like the groups so, afterat we got married, I have been working on quitting. Took a long time but, after it turned into bash your hubby, instead of try this to help, I quit. Yesterday, I so wanted to go back Zito vent and bash away but, instead, I wrote an email to my family, erased a chunk of it so it wasn’t bashing my hubby and then sent it for help. Later, talked with the hubby and we agreed to start today new but, needing to talk about stuff and needing time to cool off and someone to vent to (hubby said he preferred my family instead of the groups)–that’s a part of me and always will be. May not be something people like but, I am definitely glad my hubby is willing to work with me and give me somewhere I can get it all out.

I may not be good at talking-especially with confrontational talking but, I am working on it & I need to talk so I keep up my healthy streak.

Unpredictable.

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. So, I guess it’s time to be courageous. :-/

My life as I know it is changing. And with that I will determine who I want to be and what I want to become. The key is learning to move on to things that are not so familiar. But, could be better. It’s not that I want to leave all that I love and know. But, when things happen to alter your life. And you suddenly realize that you might be going down the wrong path, you must learn to grow up. When you become a parent, it becomes all about your kid. Everything you do, is for them. It’s not about how you might want to sit around and party all night long or whatever, it’s about how your kid needs a bottle to go to sleep. A diaper change to avoid a diaper rash. A toy to play with. Β It’s no longer about you, it’s about the other little one, innocent, adorable, sometimes a pain in the butt, little man. πŸ˜€

When you meet someone who can cook and do housework–don’t hesitate a minute–marry him. πŸ˜€ I love looking at wedding pictures. πŸ˜€

He he. I get to look at all my friends getting married and I am excited for them. They look so happy and everything. But, at the same time, it gets old seeing everyone happy all the time. It gets old. Don’t tell me that I just need to calm down or relax or that give it some time and someone will come around. I honestly, I don’t wanna hear it. You might be okay with waiting for someone right now. But, at this point in time, I don’t wanna. Lol. I know it should retarded and I am probably throwing a little kid fit. But, at the same time, I am okay with just being me. I don’t have the energy to put into a relationship. Or the time. I don’t want one at the same time, because I also often see that people get divorces, not trying to make you depressed, but eh… That’s kinda how I am a feeling. πŸ˜€

Some think it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go. And some times love, means you do just that. So, I am letting you go.