The Unknown News

favre queenLet it be your fair warning–this is going to be a dramatic post because it all needs to come out so that I can move on & be okay again.

Went to the OB office again today, had to get my Paragard in (which I always thought was ParaGuard, not quit sure why). Well, before my doc would put it in, he began telling me about the procedure, asked if I had any questions, & then came the news that I really didn’t need at that moment…

…So, Dr. “Blank” wanted to redo your PAP smear, ¬†looks like you have an appointment schedule on *bleep* at blah o’clock. It looks like your first PAP smear was low grade abnormal, then you didn’t come back to have it check, and then this last one was high grade abnormal…

It seriously got worse after I had my child!? Ugh… The one I had during my pregnancy was done & it was abnormal, after which the doctor that did that one told me that it would probably go away itself & so many percentage of cases go away on their own in 3 years… She didn’t tell me it could get worse! I mean, I am so thankful that our newest bundle of joy is health but, WTH does high grade abnormal mean?!

All I have been able to find on Google is that it could lead to cervical cancer if it’s not watched or treated–so, I get why my doc wants to redo it. But, how did it get worse?! I’ve been taking better care of myself, I quit smoking–WTFing bloody hell did I do to make it get worse?!

I don’t even know what the procedure is going to do to me–I might have to have a cone shaped piece of my cervix taken out, after I possibly have more biopsies. Why can’t it all just be better?!

I am sure it’s all going to be fine. I know this is another thing that God has in his hands but, it’s definitely still nerve wrecking since it only got worse. 3 weeks, if I wait that long, & we will have another appointment–4 weeks & (hopefully) we will have more results. Ugh… Why must things like this exist?

I just want this BS to be over! I am scared s***less! Could this get worse? Could it turn into cervical cancer & spread before they get it taken care of? Could it end up killing me & leaving my kids to grow up without a mother? Could it leave my husband without a woman to take care of him the way I do? Would he get remarried? I would want him to be happy but, I am selfish & don’t want him with anyone else! Could this change any plans we have of possibly have more kids in the future? What is this going to do to my kids? What is this going to do to my husband? WTF is it going to do to me?!

Please don’t pity me. I know it will all work out. I just need to get this out. My husband is sitting at his computer, enjoying his quiet evening, the boys are all snuggled into bed, & although I could call my mom & vent my every frustration to, when I talk to my mom, I blubber, little a child who broke their favorite toy. My “sub-conscious” telling me that it will all be okay while my inner self & heart–my conscious running through all the things that could possibly go wrong or worst things that could happen–or at least what I think are the worst things. I wasn’t worried about it too much the first time I got an abnormal PAP, the second time… My husband was worried. So, after he “messed up” (in my book), I ended up having my first colposcopy. Two colposcopies & three PAP smears later… We’re nowhere closer to know what’s going on. I hate the unknown… I REALLY hate the unknown.

 

 

Bald!

I am not sure if it’s the lack of sleep, stress levels, or what. But, I am losing it. I just wanna scream. I feel like going bald, oh wait, I am!! *sigh* This is all driving me insane. My life is falling apart at the seams. Cigarettes seem like a necessity now just to keep my stress level down and keep me going day to day, to keep me from losing it even more and possibly being really stupid about it.

I don’t know even it’s the holiday season, the whole single mom thing, or what. But, I am finally wearing thin. I am to the point where I don’t care what you think any more. I might love you and you might be my best friend, but if I’ve made mistakes and you can’t forgive me than forget it.

I am sick of idiots. I work with them. I provide service for them. I’ve dated them. But, I am done. I’ve taken it so far. But, I can’t do it any more. I lucky don’t live with any. And my family (who counts) aren’t idiots. My friends are idiots. I have a couple, but it’s ok. I am just done with the aceholes!

Sorry, I am done.