The Story Begins

I started my first day on Thrive today. I am not sure what I think about it yet. The caffeine pills that you start with seem to be a little too strong for me. I have managed to wean myself off caffeine due to gall bladder issues that are caused by PCOS, so I am really unsure about taking them. I got the jitters a lot. I couldn’t make it more than three hours after breakfast this morning before needing to eat lunch and about five hours after that I had to eat dinner, so it’s going to be a challenge with the schedule I keep three days a week for work.

The upside to it though is that I got what could be one chapter written for my story. But, now my brain is running wild. My struggle with depression sort of starts back when I was 13 and struggled with self harming, but I wasn’t really depressed back then. I was just overwhelmed with feeling so much and feeling like I had no control over my life. So much happened so quickly I didn’t even have time to process and we didn’t talk about much growing up. So, now I don’t know if I should write my book in parts–self-harming, what I’ve learned about PCOS (depression, anxiety, gall bladder/grease issues, etc.), depression while pregnant and PPD. There’s so much I want to share and I feel like it would be easier to get it out there if it was in a book that people could recommend or actually put in someone’s hand rather than a blog. But, I am unsure, as usual.

I joined a few groups on how to write a book and I am hoping that over the next few weeks I can get a clear picture of what I want and how to tell my story because I really want to. I have so much in my heart and head that I just want out there. Things I want to say and share–healing that I know needs to happen. Writing it all out has been therapeutic. I helped me so much to know that I wasn’t alone when I was going through my struggles–I just want to do the same for others.

I was talking to a friend today and realized that part of me still wants to write a sort of f*ck you book about things you don’t say or do to people who are grieving. When I lost my sister I heard things and had things done that I don’t think I have actually forgive. I am not sure that it needs to be a book, but I am definitely thinking that a post is in order.

If I didn’t have to get up for the day job tomorrow, I could sit in this silence and try to let it all flow out of my mind and onto this screen. But, alas I must adult. Bills to pay and children to raise. 

Until tomorrow when I bear my soul again…

Stuck in a Rut

I started watching Gossip Girl and although it showed me why I went to an alternative high school and skipped the college stage. Gossip Girl also showed me why I enjoy being a “nobody”. But, it hit a few other strings.

Watching Dan Humphrey write a book made me want to try my hand at writing again. I still remember the first story I began writing on a road trip and too this day it haunts me, as it could have become my life.

I would love to just write a book and write it all out, but I am not sure that I am meant for that. I enjoy my short snippets of “Hey. Here’s life. The End.”

I am realizing that I need more in life. I love being a mom, watching Netflix, hanging out with the boys all day, but a person can only take so much.

I mean, what is a girl to do? Sitting at home, watching children all day–I love staying home with the boys, but I told myself when I was 8-years-old that I would own a home and have tons of rooms for plenty of orphaned or fostered kids–years later and I am just as far from it as I ever was.

What do you do when dreams are so different? Children, school, work, friends, home… I would just love to feel like it is all amazing. I have had this empty feeling inside and I am still trying to figure out why.

I am married to a hard-working man with three beautiful children, yet some days, I have never felt more alone.

I need something to change–something amazing to happen. I need something to light me on fire.

Maybe it is time to go back to church and pray that I find it there. I just don’t know any more.